Russian Missile Strike in Space, F*ck Yeah!

Space, f*ck yeah!

Vecher v hatu!

This is Tom The F*cking Commie with hot news: according to a CNN article, Russia has launched the missile on one of its satellites.

Sounds casual, isn’t it? Moreover, Russia, along with the US, China, and India is one of few countries that has a history of successful space missiles tests. But what is embarrassing here is the fact that such an explosion caused a wave of additional 1500 debris that could damage ISS (International Space Station) and its crew (that also included two Russians). The US already condemned the incident.

Roskosmos, the Russian official space organization, has, in turn, denied the dangerous nature of the incident, saying that ISS remained in the safe zone when the missile explosion took place.

But to whom we really can believe here?

It’s hard to set up any kind of unbiased investigation because it’s a f*cking space, not Denver where you can arrive and have sausage with Bud Light (well, in fact, you can have it in your backyard either, sorry, I brought stupid analogy, but who give a sh*t?).

If I am not mistaken neither bus in Russia or America goes to space, and if we take for granted the fact that millions of Americans believe in Tooth Fairy, Mormon Church, and that Biden was fairly elected in the last election, we are completely f*cked up and space is the last thing we may think about now!

However, if we put jokes aside Russian could risk the explosion not so far from ISS to show who is the boss in space. Or maybe it was just an accident, and Roskosmos just tried to downplay the incident. Or maybe the US exaggerated the case.

So, there are many “maybe” and “maybe not” because we live in an era of the new Cold War, and everything is possible now.

Takie f*cking dela.

Russians beat Tom Cruise' Ass in Space!

Ass Got Beat Up in Space

Vecher v hatu!

You can say everything about Russia – that its history is bloody hell, that its politics suck, that its leaders are far from the example of honesty and dignity (just like the majority of our f*cking world). Yes, Russian dela were and still f*cked up in many ways.

But if you take something that Russia has mainly won is the space race. Just think of it yourself: the first man in space was a man with a warm smile named Yuri Gagarin; the first woman in space was Elena Tereshkova.

Even the first animal in space called Layka was from Russia (the Soviet Union during that time) that wassent with a bottle of Russian Vodka. But hey… wait a second. Why an animal would travel to space with a bottle of vodka? Because Yuri and Elena got bored, that’s why! (just joking).

So recently I saw an article about how Russia sent the first actress crew to outer space to make the first space film out there, bringing U.S and Tom Cruise crazy Scientology dreams to find Xenu in space behind Russia. Yankees, go home, suka blyat!

For two weeks actress Yulia Peresild and director Klim Shipenko would make space shots of the upcoming Russian blockbuster The Challenge that is based on the real story of how a top surgeon ascended to the Russian model on ISS (International Space Station) for emergency purposes.

Let me share how the actress felt about her unique role:

I still feel that it’s all just a dream and I am asleep […] It is almost impossible to believe that this all came to reality, said Peresild.

However, the upcoming movie is not the first movie directed in ISS. We can remember The

Wonderful, a movie composed of collections of story astronauts.

But anyway, Tom… your ass was beaten up!

Takie dela and those are great!

Romanov Wedding

Will Russia Go Back to Monarchy?

Recently one news flew through Russian media that after more than a hundred years new Romanov Wedding happened in Saint-Peterburg, the second-largest city in Russia, and where also many revolutionary events took place in 1917.

However, despite the tragic shooting of the czar and his family that happened more than a hundred years ago Romanov descendants did not extinct as they still live and work, being scattered all over Europe.

One of its representatives, Grand Duke George Mikhailovich Romanov, born and raised in Spain, married the daughter of an Italian diplomat.

But here’s the question that comes up: is George (Georgiy on Russian transcription) is real Russian?

According to the article, George always kept the fact of his Russian origin:

"My first language was Russian even though I was born in Spain and raised in France […] My grandparents raised me in Russian history and culture and poetry. It's always been in my soul," he said.

To check this out I found a YouTube video, when George Romanov speaks Russian (with some accent), standing nearby with his bribe, Victoria Romanovna Bettarini studies Russian language and literature.

So, I must say it’s “Здорово!” (Zdorovo!) which means “Good job” in English, my second language that I still speak with an accent I must confess.

However, this wedding, this very event has nothing to do with current Russian politics. Czarist times ended up a long time ago, just like Soviet time too, and whatever people (including some of Romanovs) wish or say Russian will hardly ever go back to monarchy.

Why? Because Russia never canceled the autocratic model of reign, and Romanovs had that model of rule. Look yourself: czars were autocratic; Soviet leaders (General Party Secretariates) were autocratic; and even now, after collapsing of Russian Empire, and then Soviet Union Russia remains a largely autocratic state and during the power of Vladimir Putin it only remains so.

However, it’s not just a single man’s will for power; this autocratic system has something to do with people’s traditions, that somehow make people choose this type of autocratic leader, and Putin here is just someone who represents that system or that people’s traditions.

But does Russia need more democracy? My answer is yes. Many Russians want to live in a more democratic state, but in its own Russian way.

Because now western democracy with its LGBTQ’s wild desires, BLM outlaw protests make western democracy as an example of total anarchy, cancel culture that opposites real freedom with human rights.

 And facts don’t give a sh*t what you may think about my little SJW friend. Takie dela.

Why Jack Black Should Play Mario in Upcoming Biopic!

Talent of being disgusting!

Hello banditos-pedrilos!

To me, Jack Black is the type of actor that perfectly fits any role in Mario Brothers. In the new BBC article, it is said that Jack Black is assigned for the role of Bowser, one of the main Mario’s foes and just one of the most iconic villains of the video games world.

What about others? Well, Mario is about to be played by Chris Pratt, who previously played in Guardians of the Galaxy; Seth Rogen would be Donkey Kong, and Anya-Taylor-Joy would be playing Peach, and Charlie Day would be Luigi.

Sounds like a good starring, right?

However, I wish Jack Black would be starred as Mario because to me Chris Pratt looks too handsome and fitty for Mario, whereas Jack Black… well I don’t want to say that something wrong with his appearance! In opposite, Jack Black looks like the real Mario.

Let’s say Chris Pratt’s Mario would say something funny and then burp… what reaction an audience would have? I think Chris Pratt might be booed for that.

So, let’s change Chris Pratt with Jack Black, and in that very moment when long, loud, and disgusting burp happened. Would booo reaction follow? Hell no, because the audience would clap for that long, loud, extremely disgusting, and yet funny, with the strong smell of 7-Eleven 5$ hot dog burp which is so Jack Black thing that it can elicit nothing but a delight! Just like America like it!

But why Jack Black can be praised for his disgusting behavior whereas Chris Pratt should not think to say “f*ck you” even to Karen?

Because some people… have the natural talent to be bad, to be good, disgusting, etc. To me, Jack Black got his niche of funny and sometimes disgusting buddy that our crazy f*cking world sometimes needs more than another handsome, strong, charming hero from every superheroes’ movie that Hollywood gives us every f*cking year.

Takie dela!

Yik Yak is back!

But no more trolling!

Yik Yak is back!

Listen up, banditos!

Tom The Commie came up with exciting news: according to NPR article, a once-famous communication app called Yik Yak is back, and with no hate speech. This means the app might be boring as hell.

For those who didn’t know: Yik Yak was a once successful app that allowed its users to post anonymous messages within five miles of a certain location. If you still didn’t get then you are a dumbass here’s another example for you, my sweet vodka… I mean sweetheart:

Let’s say a group of The Chris Collins Show fans stop by within five miles of the show’s headquarters, and left these kinds of comments:

Dick Pussy

OMG, the show is amazing, and Chris is so good I just like his voice so much!

Mrs. CherryPie

I like Marissa Pitts because she is the woman in the show! Hey, listen all men every radio show is nothing without a woman. Go feminism!

P.S. Sorry girls it’s my time to make a sandwich for my hubby.

Fred The Capitalist

Hey, suka blyat Chris where is my money man? Where is my vodkas, where is my cocaine, where’s my money and all that rich sh*t you promised me?

P.S. hey ladies if you like Tom the Commie here’s his email: mrvodka@gmail.com

P.S.S Hey Mrs. CherryPie hurry up! Sandwich won’t make itself!

Well, I hope you got the idea.

Takie dela.

Sh*t Muricans Say

Just tell me… why are you saying those?!

Welcome to hangover, friends!

Recently your next bar friend Tom the Fuck*ng Commie found an interesting Buzz Feed article where people discuss cute and just cool things Americans do often but what they at the same time don’t really think about. I chose my own favorites and this is what happened:

1. I like when Muricans say “Are you f*cking kiddin’ me?!”.  A recently old guy (well can I call an old person an old guy? Guy is often someone who is young and dumb whereas an old person is often somebody who is just du… well, never mind, back to topic).

So recently old guy asked if I was f*cking kiddin’ him when I asked his ID on my job since he was about to buy alcohol (and it wasn’t good vodka!). I said to him: no, old guy, I am not f*cking kiddin’ you, just let me see your old guy’s ID. But why? Because I would send it to Vladimir (yeah, the one you thought about!) so he would ask me why Americans keep buying Borski vodka instead of Putinka or Russian Standard. Are they f*cking kiddin’ me or what?

2. I like when Muricans say “Happy Friday!”. How can it be happy Friday if I am working? Why are you telling me that, old guys, huh? You would take this vodka to your home to have a good time while I must stay here, behind the counter speaking with that another dumb old guy? Are you f*cking kiddin’ me?!

3. I like how Muricans say “Well, basically…” because whatever follows next is literally not worth being explained as “basically”.

4. It’s funny how Muricans say “Sup” instead of normal “What’s up?”. So here I have a question: “Why are you degrading your own language?! Sup with you?!”.

5. I like how Muricans say “It is what it is” because it is what it is, I got it already, thanks.

6. I like how Muricans say, “Oh shoot!” instead of “Oh sh*t!”. It’s just funny how you try to soft your speech and just to be a well-mannered person though your t-shirts like “I am not gay but 20$ is 20$” or “Justin Bieber USA 2012 Tour” automatically disprove it.

7. I like how Muricans say, “I’ll keep that in mind, but no, thanks” because that is the best and universal question to tiresome Mormons who come up with phrase like “We may come to your house and speak about Jesus”. Seriously, why do you want to speak about Jesus in my house? He doesn’t live there!

8. I like how Muricans say “Because it’s the greatest country in the world”. I like it because I know that Russia is the best country in the world, but why are you so lazy to add the word “Russia” in your expression?

9. I like how Muricans say “I don’t know to be honest” and make a facial expression like they are sorry for that.

10.It’s funny how Muricans say “You know I hate Trump because he is Putin’s puppet”. Why are you telling me things that I already know, dumbass?

11.It’s funny how Muricans say “You know I hate Joe because it's Joe”. Why are you telling me things that I already know, dumbass?

12.I like how Muricans say “AC” instead of “Air Conditioner”. Are you so greedy that you are even scared to pronounce extra letters?

Really, guys, why are so weird? But hey, you cute at the same time! Takie dela.

Hey Ukraine, Stay Away from Russia… the USA says

The end of the USA-Russia conflict is near???

This is how the deal looks like! No, really!

Yep, this is what you read – and that sounds weird, am I right? It’s the same kind of things like when hard-core WASP Republican would say with girlish voice “We live in a society!” or when your beloved-and-f*cked Tom the Commie would say “I quit vodka” … but hey… did I say that? Of course, no, my glass princess, I didn’t really mean it, it’s all lies, it’s all pizdezh.

Back to the topic. Something extraordinary just happened during Russia-Germany “Nord Stream-2” agreement.

The recent POLITICO’s article says the following

American negotiators and diplomats have signaled that they have given up on blocking the completion of the pipeline, known as Nord Stream 2, which will ship cheap natural gas from Russia to Germany and stands to be a boon for Moscow.

Here’s more:

In the midst of tense negotiations with Berlin over a controversial Russia-to-Germany pipeline, the Biden administration is asking a friendly country to stay quiet about its vociferous opposition. And Ukraine is not happy.

Behind these announcements perhaps there are some agreements and mutual concessions between the USA, Russia, and Germany regarding “Nord Stream-2” and related topics. Though the USA and Germany indicated that they would invest in Ukraine’s green energy technology and just won’t let Russian use the pipeline for its geopolitical interest I can say that Ukraine may already lose the big battle in its war with Russia. With the completion of “Nord Stream-2”

Ukraine would lose a lot of money since there will be less or even no (opinions vary) Russian gas transit fees that make up a huge contribution to Ukraine’s economy.

Interestingly, is that it’s not Trump but Biden who did that! Is it because Joe wants to rebuild their relationship with Germany, one of the key US allies in Europe? Or is it something else?

Time will show but now it’s takie dela.

Olympics is Not a Place For Politics!

If that Olympics' swimming pool would be filled with vodka, you know where to find me!

Yep, this is how Russian Olympics’ team look like! Честно!

Zdorovo banditi!

According to a Washington Post article, the Russian Olympic Committee does not forbid yet not encourage Russian athletes to speak up about any ongoing topic, ranging from BLM to the Crimean Peninsula. That decision was explained with the following: “The Olympics should not become a platform for any actions and gestures”. However, there is some feeling of discontent on the article, and since it’s Washington Post, there is no surprise why any Russia or Russians-related news is shown in a negative light.

To be honest, I agree that Russian athletes can go through a briefing where perhaps Vladimir (yes, the one you think about!) tell them not to say something stupid, or anti-governmental, or (God forbid!) something anti-vodka!

Anti-vodka… how can I even say that? I should clean my mouth after this (with Mr. Vodka, I am sorry, Mr. Popov).

But at the same time, I think that there should be less politics in sports. Otherwise the world would be f*cked up, my friends!

However… isn’t the USA or any other countries say something or in one way or another guide their athletes not to behave or say some certain way? Well, that type of question must be answered by the athletes. Meanwhile, I doubt that there is anything like freedom of speech in the USA or any other country anymore.

Because if any USA or other Western country’s athlete would say something negative about the BLM movement and related looting, arson, and other violations he or she may say goodbye to the sports career or would be temporarily suspended, which in our “progressive” times can be considered as some kind of lucky outcome. And why do I even use the word “outcome” in a negative context?

Getting fired only because you criticize the socio-political movement for something with what you disagree with?

That’s ABSURD! 

Ha-ha. Looks like leftist politics made such a big turnover that they got on the right-wing side. What next? 10 years in neo-GULAG for the act of freedom of speech?

What is the direction the USA is going? Or am I a racist to ask that?

Takie dela.

Putin to Biden: Joe, you are professional!

Let's praise the presidents!

Hey, suka blyat

It’s Tom The F*cking Commie. I know, I know – you thought that I died since we didn’t see each other for loooooong time. Yes, at a drunk party after my graduation (I received Masters in Vodka Studies) I really thought bye, bye world, and hello, Uncle Stalin. Yet it didn’t happen, and I am with you again, whether you don’t like it or hate it!

But I am not here with you to discuss how many vodkas I drank last night (because I don’t f*cking remember!). I am here to discuss the recent meeting Biden and Vladimir (yeah, the one you thought about) had.

So how it was?

Well, from the first glance it looked like two grandpas came to see each other to remember good, old days, that especially came up good thanks to memories’ amplifier called vodka. And during that meeting, Joe got a compliment. Which is a very important thing, because when Putin calls somebody professional, then how can you deny this? If you would, well… hello, Uncle Stalin!

According to a CNN article, Putin praises Biden, calling him a “professional” following Geneva summit, a statement already speaks about itself: our sleepy Joe is professional. Yes, republicans, even Trump, Putin’s buddy, didn’t get that! This is what the Russian president said about Biden according to the article:

He’s a balanced and professional man, and it’s clear that he’s very experienced […] It seems to me that we did speak the same language.

Respectively, the American leader left the meeting with a positive impression about Putin. But jokes aside, I believe that the meeting went professional as possible taking into consideration U.S.-Russian relationships. American and Russian leaders discussed issues regarding Ukraine, the status of Crimea, Alexey Navalny’s arrest, Russian hackers, and the overall situation in the world which still sucks, to be honest.

So, what about us, commoners? What we should do? Nothing but to wait that something good would eventually happen. If that so, then our leaders, be it, Putin or Biden, are professional and positive not only in words but in action.

Takie dela.

Putin is Officially Sexiest Man Alive! (Both in Russia and the rest of the world)

I am Putin and I know it

Hey comrades,

As a straight male, before I went to bed, I always ask myself: who is the sexiest man alive?
Is it James Bond, the strong and skillful agent who charms and undresses women and triumphs villains with his unlimited talents? Nyet! Is it Arnold Schwarzenegger, the real Mr. Olympia, Predator’ vanquisher with the nickname “Get-to-the-choppa!!!”, and our beloved Terminator-Governator? Nyet!

Is it Sylvester Stallone, Rocky, and Rambo? Nyet!

Is it Chuck Norris, who doesn’t need any introduction? Nyet? Nyet!

It’s *drumroll* VLADIMIR VLADIMOROVICH PUTIN, daaaaaa!

In its recent article New York Post found out the following:
The highly suspect and mildly terrifying poll by job board site Superjob.ru surveyed 2,000 Russians and determined that the 68-year-old bachelor is the sexiest man in the country, the Moscow Times reported.

Yeah, I know it's a Russian poll but hey, who would deny that Putin is the sexiest man alive, at least as the sexiest president? Ok, let’s check out another candidacy:

Joe Biden. Yep, back in the days, Joe was a lady’s man, but now… well... eh… mmm… how can I put this more softly… I just hope Joe would cancel student loans, and he’ll be fine!

Xi Jinping. Did anybody already joke about the Asian small pack? Oh, did I just? Is it racist? Ok, can you prove it? Here you go!

Boris Johnson. Really, can a man whose name is Boris has something to do with the sex?

Emmanuel Macron. His wife, who is twice elder than him, can say it but would we believe to 67-years old lady? Perhaps Joe would!

Seems like there is nobody who can challenge Putin’s status as the sexiest and manliest man in the world.

What can I say? Takie dela at the moment.  

The Mighty Power of Smekalochka!

Russian Know-How

Hey comrades, long time (well, long vodka) - no see!

There is a very Russian thing called smekalochka. This thing means untraditional adaptation to circumstances or another way to deal with problems. Its inventiveness is a kind.

Let me give you some examples. You are American, you want to get a KFC, but you broke your car’s door, so what you should do?

You will call your car insurance agency or go to a car repair service. Even if you do not have money, you will use your credit card, just like many Americans do, right?

In Russia, problem solutions would be the same but except the use of car insurance because in Russia majority of people don’t have any kind of insurance since there is no big need for this. But what if you don’t have the money? Pay with a credit card? Well, in Russia many still prefer to use cash instead and because people do not trust the bank system because of its high interest rates. It may be a pain in the neck to use a credit card.

So, what you should do? Is it the dead-end? No KFC this time? In America, people would start to panic, but in Russia, the fun part only starts. And here is how.

Now you are not American anymore, but Russian guy Vladimir (yes, the one you thought about!) from Moscow. You have neither car insurance, nor money to fix the problem. But you have smekalochka! You go to your garage and finds an old locker you barely ever use. You take a hammer, nails, and a couple of other instruments. It takes thirty minutes to you to nail the locker to the car’s door so you can drive your vehicle again!

F*CK ANY COMMON SOLUTIONS IF WE HAVE THE MIGHTY POWER OF SMEKALOCHKA, SUKA BLYAT!

Sounds crazy? Yes, it does! But the craziness does not cancel the inventiveness that helped you dealt with the situation, am I right my sexy Mr. Right (not gay)? There you go!

Here is another example. You are a driver and your truck suddenly got flat tier. You need to deliver goods ASAP, and you know that otherwise you will be fired. Dead end? Nyet!

Remember, you are Russian guy Vladimir from Moscow (yep, that is him!). You take a drill with instruments and just take out the broken tire from the truck to carry on in your journey. It is a risk, yep, but thanks to inertness and other laws of physics the truck can handle the road as if it had all fours! The mighty power of smekalochka works again!

So next time you would have some everyday issues my dear American comrades take a moment and think about how you can handle in another, magic way called smekalochka!

It works 100% all the time, so go and try it right now, at no charge!

P.S Tom the Commie and The Chris Collins Show has no responsibility in cause if your smekalochka failed.

Navalny and Anatomy of Millennial Protest: Senseless and Merciless

Why Millenial Protest Are Nothing But a Schoolish Drama

To you, my crazy, sexy, little bastards, Navalny’s arrest and related protests are seen as another fight for freedom against totalitarian brutal, and straight white Putin’s regime. West even considers putting even more sanctions on Russia, forcing the czar to free Navalny, of course.

While Russia has real issues with political freedom and judiciary, let us put aside miserable weeping on regime’s victims and ask a question: who goes on these protests? And does it even have any sense?

Let me introduce you to the Russian millennials – people who were mainly born either before or after the collapse of the USSR. Few of them might remember something about the Soviet Union, but only through the scope of childhood’s memories – just like you remember how you heard about sex first time; you were in the first grade and instead of “six” you wrote “sex” after what your life changed forever!

But let us return to Russian millennials. The majority of them grew up during the 90s, a decade of war conflicts and economic downfall in Russia and other post-soviet countries. Thus, millennials rather remember not Gorbachev, but Boris Yeltsin – the first Russian president, whose domestic and foreign policy could cost Russia another collapse. The USA and the whole of the West still praise Beny for his allegiance to democratic ideals and that he was a great president – needless to say, why they think so, right?

I and Vladimir (not the one you thought about, as well as one that you afraid of!) knows why:

BECAUSE YOU WANT US TO FORGET VODKA AND DRINK YOUR EBANIY BUDWEISER, LISTEN TO COUNTRY’S MUSIC AND BELIEVE THAT JESUS WAS A WHITE GUY FROM OKLAHOMA WHO WERE IN ROCK CHRISITAN BAND CALLED “GRANNIES ANGELS” THAT PERFORMED SONG “GO TO CHURCH, OR BURN IN HELL!”, SUKA BLYAT!!!

Sorry it was 100000000th today’s vodka shot. Where I was? Oh!

So, parents of current Russian millennials carried a burden of 90s-related-hardships, whereas many Russian millennials have been living in quite comfortable conditions.

So now, these goodies who care more about their Instagram’s followers, than to their high school grades, goes to the streets and do all kind of sh*t possible. Protesting, attacking police with pepper sprays, and recording TikTok videos with the appeal to go protest and tear down the government, whoo-hoo!!!

What for? WE ARE BEING OPPRESSED AND SEXUALLY HARASSED!!!

The funny thing is that some of them got a response: police came to their home and arrested them right away! Oh boy…

Yes, I know, there are many bad things in Russia (and the USA) that worth protesting but…

Should we protest just like kids or offer some concrete actions to make a life for the better? Or if we take recent American protests, should we also go to the streets and destroy properties, burn cars, attack each other, and do every sort of evil deeds that being done in the name of peace and justice?! Come on…

You may ask me: OK, Tom the Commie, if it not works, tell us what we should do?

On this let me bring a quote of one of the wisest men ever lived: If you want to change the world starts with yourself.

That’s what exactly I am going to do now – take another shot of…

I mean that is it for now, comrades. Poka!

Russia says it's ready to cut ties with the EU and it sucks!

Russia and EU messed up relationship as another example of a worldwide diplomacy crisis

Russia says it's ready to cut ties with the EU and it sucks!

Hello my dear, beautiful, sexy, good-looking, comrades,

When I woke up after another Vodka night session I was routinely checking newsfeed: Joe did this, Joe didn’t do that, Joe was about to do something but then he suddenly got asleep, Trump and republican supporters are bad because they are racist and always assumes everybody’s gender, SJWs blames white people for everything, from global warming to fail in personal relationships (because you thought you dated bisexual transracial Martian whose biological age is 25 but his mental age is 7 and who turned out to be a straight white man!!! OMG, someone needs a Vodka session too and perhaps a visit to the therapist), and so forth, and so forth.

In other words, nothing special happened in another normal suka blyat day in America. But one news quite startled me: Russia says it’s ready to end ties with European Union according to a CNBC article.

This is a quote from Russian foreign minister Sergey Lavrov:

We don’t want to isolate ourselves from global life, but we have to be ready for that. If you want peace then prepare for war.

What do I think about it? Well, I am quite disappointed that within the last couple of years Russia has real trouble getting along with other countries, especially big political blogs, not speaking about the USA. Yes, this contradictive story that resolves with Crimea and Ukraine set everybody’s teeth on the edge, and to be honest, consequences for now are rather negative than positive. At least, if we speak about Russia’s world prestige.

Yet EU and USA don’t seem to look like, as we say it on Russian, nerzhniye and pushistiye (sweet and fluffy, just like kittens from Google pics that probably remains the best thing left in our f*cking world). Come on, let’s admit that in big politics (well, just like in real life) everybody chases their own goals. I like Russia, no, I adore it, but this country did a lot of mistakes. Bloody hell of mistakes! EU and USA, especially, USA is no saint. Hell no! Or it might be saint as Donald Trump’s web browser history. I like America, I like American people, but… there is nothing more to say.

What if we, as Russians and Americans, are hostages of countries? Think about it.

As for Russia’s possible decision to cut ties with the rest of the world and live in isolation – I think it won’t happen because economic ties at least are very, very tight and if one would “rip them off” two sides would fail. There will be no winners for sure. So, I think that Lavrov could make this statement as some sort of warning or to show that Russia has balls, I am sorry, guts. However, that kind of statement, made from both Russia and the USA, EU, and other countries in general serves as proof of world diplomacy’s crisis which is as bad as Downtown LA McDonalds’s restrooms. It full of s*it and is ready to turn a sh*tmonster and take over our virgin asses!  

So, lets us get a big box of popcorn and a good amount of Vodkas to see what would happen next. It’s all sucks, my ladies and ladies!

RIP American Democracy and Freedom of Speech

Is this the end of American Values?

Hello, my dear comrades!

Y’all knows that Twitter banned Trump's account, even though he (as it was officially proclaimed) finally lost the election, probably already took Vladimir Putin’s portraits off the walls, and Is currently giving up the office to Joe Biden. Many rejoice in Twitter’s decision, particularly you, my little democrats. But what about freedom of speech? By the way besides Trump, Google Play and Appstore removed Parler (its status is currently offline), an app that was widely used by Alt-Rights, conspiracy theorists, Trump supporters, and so forth.

You can think anything about Trump and Parler users. Yet this time their rights were violated, their voices were forced to be silenced only because their views are not supported by others. Welcome to America, a country with a dying democracy, a land of unfree and home of non-brave!

In the article Russian opposition leader Navalny slams Trump ban as 'censorship' Alexey Navalny, a famous Russian opposition blogger (he’s not an opposition leader though, so stop lying American media, hahaha) made a clear statement:

“In my opinion, the decision to ban Trump was based on emotions and political preferences,” Navalny wrote in a lengthy Twitter thread posted on Saturday evening. “Don’t tell me he was banned for violating Twitter rules. I get death threats here every day for many years, and Twitter doesn’t ban anyone (not that I ask for it).”

I am neither fan of Trump nor Navalny. As I said before, Alexey Navalny is not even an opposition leader but rather a populist anti-Kremlin blogger. I don’t support his views, but I am 100% agree with his position about Trump. Because this practice would be carried on in the future, even democrat leaders whose outlook may be somehow distinguished could be banned. That way both republicans and democrats, rock and rap fans, pizza with pineapples, and just regular pepperoni lovers would lose a platform for debates. And without debates – however, they frequently might be one-sided and superficial – the public consensus is impossible. And without consensus, society can’t peacefully exist.

That’s everything I have for you today, folks! And I am going back to my Vodka treasury. If I used it last time to celebrate Russian hackers’ excellent job this time, I am about to… I’ll find a reason! So never mind.

Have a good day and let Twitter vanish like it never existed before!

The Socialist States of America

Is America really turning "red"?

All Power to the Soviets!

For those who don’t know this is an old Soviet statement that highlights the strength of communist ideas that were, as we all know it, Soviet Union and other socialist states proclaimed, showed, and promoted.

            Why I am telling you this, my dear Americans, or, because of the following trend, that I am about to discuss in five-second, shall I start to call you my American comrades?

The thing is that now American youth is more than ever considered socialism as an effective alternative to capitalism according to the Fox News article Millennials, Gen Z increasingly comfortable with socialism, Marxism, activists say.

            How on earth America is turning red after the victory in the cold war over USSR and its allies?

            I promise – it’s either me, Vodka, nor Vladimir (yes, the one you thought about, and it’s not Putin but Lenin). Vladimir Illyich Lenin!

            Ironically, the end of the Cold War rather sent them underground than buried Marxist and other leftist ideas.   

            But do Americans need to consider this seriously?

            Historian Lee Edwards, Ph. D., says that:

"What most millennials mean by 'socialism' seems to be a mix of our welfare state and what they perceive to be Swedish democratic socialism. But Sweden and the other Scandinavian countries including Denmark favor the free market and are content with private rather than government ownership of their major industries."

            While historian is right in his observations, we all see that left ideas are becoming popular in the USA.

            However, don’t get afraid, my dear Americans. Neither socialism nor communism would hardly become a dominant ideology in the USA. No businessmen, no CEOs, white-collar workers won’t want to lose their money and property for the sake of building a “world free of exploitation”. It's impossible the same way I will stop drink Vod… which is another big peer-reviewed topic to discuss.

            I think that many millennials sympathize with these ideas because they proclaimed social equality. Thus, BLM, feminists, LGBTQ, and other organizations adopted Marxist ideas in their fight – or rather they believe they are fighting – against racism and other forms of oppression. This is certainly great, but consequences of these protests, like material damage worth millions of dollars, street anarchy, reversed racism, and aggressive rhetoric towards white people (yes, it does exist) once again confirms that leftist populism still dominates over real Marxist ideas that aimed to destroy oppression of any kind. Unfortunately, part of the American youth perceives and practices these ideas in a very superficial, one-sided, and distorted way.

            Neither Karl Marx who was concerned about social inequality and nor Martin Luther King who was fighting against racism and racial prejudices would hardly accept the modern manifestation of the ideas they believed in.

             Let me quickly speak about the manifestation of socialism. You’d be surprised, but the USSR, People’s Republic of China, Vietnam, Romania, and even Scandinavian countries that shared a lot of socialism traits had and have different views of socialism. I won’t go into details about these distinctions (there is a big number of books about it) but sometimes these approaches turned socialist states into foes. For example, China and USSR had a hostile relationship (so-called Sino-Soviet split) at the end of the 1950s. Modern China is a half-capitalist country and Scandinavian socialism is paired with a free market.

So, who is the real commie here?

            Even USSR didn’t have “clear” socialism but rather had government capitalism. However, and despite Western Anti-Soviet propaganda USSR had a lot of benefits of socialism. For instance, the Soviet government gave its citizens free flats, free cars (though it took a lot of time to get it), free education, and medicine both of whom were considered one of the best in the world. USSR may not have product variety, but Soviet people didn’t bother themselves to struggle to find a job after graduation – a big issue millions of American millennials must deal with to some level. 

            Indeed, if we take growing national debt, expensive rents, employment problems, and the increasing gap between rich and poor in America we can see that capitalism is not great. However, American citizens of all generations and races remain a consumer society that won’t turn this country into the Socialist States of America.

            Takie dela.

Covid-19 Vaccine: Another B*llshit or Light in The End of The Dark-Ass Tunnel?

The cure is on the way?

My dear and hopefully healthy and well-drunk comrades,

The situation with Covid-19 remains uneasy: the mortality rate grows, and nationwide lockdown wouldn’t be canceled any time soon. Neither Trump nor Putin, Russian hackers, and not even thousands of Putins and Chuck Norris (don’t kill me for this, Chuck) can’t stop it: we are all tired with the things that are going on right now.

From the beginning of this sh*t we have been told about undergoing development vaccines and here’s the news for ya, comrades.

According to the article, Russia announces positive COVID-vaccine results from controversial trial Russian vaccine Sputnik V (by the way this word means “satellite” in English) has shown great results in fighting this damn motherf*cker from Wuhan:

The Gamaleya National Center of Epidemiology and Microbiology in Moscow and the Russian Direct Investment Fund said that an interim analysis of 20 COVID-19 cases identified among trial participants has found that the vaccine was 92% effective. The analysis looked at more than 16,000 volunteers — who received either the vaccine or a placebo — 3 weeks after they had taken the first dose. The trial has enrolled a total of 40,000 participants, the release said.

Sounds good, right? But it’s too early (but never too late) to drink vodka! These are not the final but interim results only that needs further tests:

The low number of cases reported in the Sputnik V trial means that there is less certainty that the vaccine’s true efficacy is above 90%, compared with the Pfizer and BioNTech analysis, said Stephen Evans, an epidemiologist at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, in a statement to the UK Science Media Centre (SMC). “Further follow-up is needed because the results are compatible with a much lower efficacy — 60% — based on these data.”

And it’s not all! The article What does COVID-19 vaccine effectiveness mean? Gives a quote that made me think that vaccine research is far from the end:

The broad, early effectiveness figures don’t tell the whole story. Scientists also need to understand how well the vaccine protects people in different age groups and demographic categories.

If you take people who may have side effects even from the 100%-working vaccine coupled with folks who believe that vaccine is another Devil’s invention just like Los Angles traffic jam the situation is hardly fixable! But there is hope.

Seems like big world guys (ok liberals, you may think that they’re nonbinary Alien women – wait, what???) like Russia, the UK, and the USA are working hard to find a vaccine that would save humanity from this Coronapocalypshit. And if politics could matter less than it should be these three superpowers could unite to fight this damn virus and find the way from this ass that whole world had stuck in. F*ck you, coronavirus, you stink!

Takie dela, suka blyat!

P.S If somebody knows CEO of coronavirus, please mail putinlikestrump@gmail.com so I can kick his arse!

Americans Are Weird As Hell

Craziness Americans Can't See

Hello, my lovely and sexy comrades!

I’ve been living in the USA for almost 6 years and during that time I watched a lot of quirks Americans do. It’s time to ask you: WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU DOING?!

1. Asking ‘How are you?” with no actual interest in it

Why do you ask this question if you don’t want to know how am I doing? I know that you don’t want to hear that I am upset with Russian hackers’ job during this election or that I’ve been working hard last night and didn’t sleep much. I know that you ask this question in the sense of politeness, not sincerity. You have a lot of issues with expressing your sincerity which also hurts you: you may look positive, but at the same time you take antidepressants to cure your long-lasting depression... The USA is the #1 nation of antidepressants-consumers in the world. In the world! And you consider your country the greatest in the world? Think of it for a moment.

2. Why are you smile all the time?

Russians and many other nations consider the American smile to be hypocritical, and we call it “plastic smile”. Why smile to everybody? I can see by your face that you are trying to smile, but don’t want to do this. What’s wrong with looking neutral? You should smile only to those who you care about or, like in my case when you get a good Russian Vodka Putinka (it’s actual Russian brand and it’s not sh*t like American Borski Vodka!!!).

3. Walking to strangers’ house with shoes

Why don’t you take off your shoes? For your information, we clean our floor and carpets and don’t want to see shoe spots, especially if you have been in 7eleven.

4. Obsession with race

You are trying hard to defend racism, but everybody talks about racial issues every time. Morgan Freeman once said: "I'm going to stop calling you a white man and I'm going to ask you to stop calling me a black man". Is it that hard? All people are equal and deserve respect except those who like pizza with pineapples.

5. Obsession with being politically correct

Why everybody is so sensitive and get triggered when they see (or think they see) something racist, sexist, and another sh*t like that? I don’t care if you would hate me for this, but in many ways, these issues have been created by your sick imagination. I get triggered when I see why Russian hackers do so poorly this year.

6. Obsession with money and materialism

There is even a t-shirt with “I am not gay but 20$ is 20$” title on it. You are so miserable.

7. Love to argue

The American paradox: everybody super nice to each other until they got a verbal fight. Many Americans are quite aggressive when they don’t get the things they want. I understand when you get upset about serious things like why America is not a part of Russia yet, but why small things can piss you off? You are so miserable.

8. Aggressive foreign policy

You blame Russia, Chine, Iran for all the sins, but you have invaded Iraq, Libya, and Syria. So, who is the main world aggressor after all?

9. Americans are so spoiled

Stop complaining about any kind of harassment. Life is not easy. Nobody owes you anything. If you want to live well, without stress, take away your hypocritical smiles. Be sincere, stop competing all the time and trust me, then your life will become much easier and better. Money is important, but they don’t solve everything.

You can laugh at my words, but you have no other choice. In the US, violence only grows.  Look at the skyrocketing number of mass shootings, police brutality, racial conflicts (in which everyone is to blame, absolutely all races, both whites and blacks, and Asians and Latinos have racists, everyone!), not speaking about material instability.

PUTtINg it all together, I don’t want to offend my dear Americans. Jokes aside, I think that America is a great country in many ways, majority of people are very nice here, but WHY ARE YOU KEEP DOING THESE FUC*ING STUPID QUIRKS THAT MADE ME WANT TO ASK VLADIMIR (THE ONE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT, DAAAAA!) PRESS RED COMMUNIST BUTTON AND MAKE AMERICA EXPLOSIVELY SHINE AGAIN??

I am a good and kind person but… you are so weird. It’s vodka time… see you again next time. Dosvidaniya and go to hell!

Working in Supermarket

Everything You Wanted to Know About How It's Like Working in Supermarket

How it’s like working in a supermarket? I would tell you this.

Supermarkets are noisy as hell or polniy pizdets!

Every time I go there to perform my cashier’s duties, I must interact with my colleagues and customers that make me hear miscellaneous stuff all the time.

 Interaction with colleagues is quite boring. It rarely goes beyond greetings and job-related questions. We are all busy or because we are simply afraid to get in trouble for discussing that some customers are nice while others are not (and sometimes they are complete douchebags) depending on what attitude they demonstrate. We rarely do it. But if we may look indifferent or rather look kind and indifferent at the same time to what we hear there is always a place for the impression a customer left. Especially in such an overcrowded and noisy environment.

Supermarkets remind jungles. The only difference is that the monkey’s screams and lions’ growls and other sounds are made by humans. They range from regular greetings and partings to complaints, jokes, small talks between me, them, and with someone, they speak on the phone.

One time a girl came to pick up a pack of napkins. The pack was damaged, and she knew it because before coming she called our store and spoke with the manager who agreed to give her a discount. Good deal, right? But when she saw the item (it looked slightly battered but not damaged) my ears had no choice but to embrace her angry remarks. “It’s horrible!” and “what’s wrong with that store?!” which was so loud it had muffled the background music, so I agreed with her. It’s so wrong we have so quite dynamics.  

Another loud moment happened when one old lady yelled “I want to complain! What’s your name?” at me because for a moment (like 5 seconds) I approached another customer to ring him up quickly since he had one item. She then screamed the classic “Jesus Christ!” to what I replied that my name is not Jesus Christ but Tom and that she can speak with a manager if she is upset. Fortunately, she quickly left the store feeling embarrassed about how other customers looked at her.

Supermarkets can be dangerous.

A guy started a verbal fight over a pack of chips he thought I charged him extra. I really did but voided it right away and notified him. The receipt showed the void item which confused and pissed him off. “You charged me extra! Or you can’t read?” he yelled. “Don’t talk to me like that,” after what he asked when I finish my shift. Excuse me? I will (fire you with my Kalashnikov I wanted to say) call cops. “What? No justice! No peace! Persecute the police!” I wish he could say waving his arms because I would laugh my ass off from this. Gladly, I settled the situation. He got he was confused and quickly left the store (for some reason he didn’t want to see the manager). I didn’t let him mock me and stood for what’s right (yet I don’t mind admitting I am wrong when I am wrong). It’ll over, but that evening I must confess I was afraid to go outside. You never know what people are up to when they lose their temper.

So, you got the idea of what it’s like working in a supermarket.

How can you stay positive after this? Sometimes we get good words that make us have a sincere, not corporate smile.

Venus is officially Russian Planet!

Following Crimea, Venus is now a new part of Russia

Hello Comrades!

We’ve got two news for you: good and bad. What news do you want to hear first? Since we all like to hear the good news first, here is the bad news: scientists found a phosphine gas on Venus which is a potential sign of the possible life on this planet; so Aliens do exists, they kidnapped Elvis Presley, killed Kennedy, ruined ABBA, created a pizza with pineapples and now they will conquer the world.

The good news is that Venus is a Russian planet!

Aliens won’t conquer and colonize us because if they even would like to try, they will go to Venus GULAG! Vladimir (yes, the one you think about) is already thinking about building a whole Communist colony there. He wants to do this right away before America would invade Venus to overthrown the aliens’ government for the lack of democracy and suppressing alien minorities. Nyet, America! Venus is already red – maybe because it’s the sexiest oh sorry I mean the hottest planet in our solar system – and it won’t tolerate any capitalism over there! Capitalism is too unstable it would melt when settling down there!

But putting jokes aside, there is a reason why Venus is called the Russian planet. Back in the days, when grass was greener and people could find jobs, and when USSR hasn’t collapsed yet Venus was considered a ‘Soviet planet’ because Soviet Union invested in research of this planet the most (whereas NASA focused it research on Mars). Since the Russian Federation is the full and official assignee of USSR the Venus is a Russian planet!

There is one issue with Venus: it doesn’t sound Russian enough. So it’s not Venus but Venislav!

Customer Is Always Right Even Being Total Jerk!

Customer Is Always Right Even Being Total Jerk!

TOM THE COMMIE - CCS Editor-At-Large

Greetings to comrades and pity to capitalists!

This is Vladimir Put… Tom the Commie, and today I am going to share my experience working in customer service.

When I turned 14, a desire to get LEGO GULAG set prompted me to start making my own money by any means (it’s LEGO, after all).

What I’ve found? After applying for the CEO of Amazon, Russia’s President, and USSR military leader to conquer America, and getting rejections with notes such as “F*ck you, little communist sh*t” I found a job of an ad poster.

I had to visit blocks of flats (we call them Khrushchyovka) and post ads on electric panels. Though I worked only one month, and Vladimir (not the one you thought about) didn’t want to pay (he eventually did after I gave him a bribe of 100 000 rubles) I got some understanding of what job is.

I’ll tell you this, guys: job sucks.

It sucks your energy and your time that you can dedicate to serious things like playing computer games, smoking weed every day, drink vodka and laughing at people that pass you by heading on the job because you inhabit the streets where you live in the free 0-star hotel called “Empty TV Box”.

That has changed my mind. I thought that job isn’t so bad as I thought before.

When I finished high school and emigrated to the US for ‘undermining purposes” for the next 6 years I have been working in more than 10 places. Here are some of them.

I used to work in Pizzeria, where, with the help of ingredients, I created portraits of Lenin and Stalin; I worked in Mexican Food Cafeteria where I became extremely fluent in Spanish by learning the word “Hola”; I used to sell Christmas Trees, got good tips, but has been let go because I started to like a song “Sweet Home Alabama”.

Now I am working as a cashier in a supermarket. Why cashier? Because I am good at counting and putting money into my pock… I mean… I am a nice worker, just believe it.

But putting jokes aside, I benefited from my clerk’s experience. I learned consumer behavior and human character and how it’s like working as a team; I strengthened my diplomatic skills and became more patient with people. And I got the idea, what people are. They are Putin’s slaves neither good and nor bad. Just creatures, obsessed with consumerism and 50%-off discounts, who can be stingily or generous with compliments depending on what temper they have today. Yet the majority of customers are nice people.

But dealing with crazy customers… is another thing.

Whatever sh*t they do and tell you must be nice with them because a customer is always right.

The customer is mad because he hates Corona Extra (I don’t give a f*ck about) and we don’t have it? He is right!

The customer didn’t want to take a survey even it doesn’t collect her data (and other stupid s*it they believe in)? She is right (and not very smart)!

The customer doesn’t have a receipt and still demands a full refund? Oh, she’s right too (with the inability to understand company policy)!

Another time there was an old lady with dozens of products I had to scan. Behind her was a millennial (they are the best customers because they understand!) with single beer wasting his time in the line. I told this kid to approach other registers to ring him up (I do that a lot, and it's fine). That was fast (took probably 30 seconds while the lady was busy putting her discount number on a pin pad). And you what? She got mad! I said I just wanted to help him because she was busy anyway. She didn’t listen and I asked her whether she wants to complain, and she replied with a loud ‘yes’ to my face!

“I wanna complain. What’s your name?”

“Jesus. Jesus Christ.”

“Ok, and you will have problems, you Jesus Christ!”

“Are you going to make complain about Jesus Christ? Are you sure? I’ll tell this to Vladimir, and you will regret it!”

“Wait… who’s Vladimir? He’s god?”

“Oh yes! He is a god! God for Russia and Devil for America! Bow down to the Majesty of Russian Supreme Leader, confess your sins and maybe he will forgive you!”

“Oh please, please don’t wipe me out Holy Vladimir, I will never be impolite to Jesus Christ cashier again! That’s good for now?”

“Not as much. Say “America is bad”.”

“America is bad.”

“I can’t hear you!”

“America is bad!”

“Louder!”

“AMERICA IS BAD!”

“How bad is it? Is it dirty?”

“It’s dirty as my husband’s trousers! Am I forgiven?”

“Hmmm… well, ok! You are forgiven. You can pay now. To Vladimir, I mean!”

This is how I wanted it to happen! So, I just called my manager to explain the situation and that was it. She left believing she’s right – just like other customers like her.

But why?

Customer Is Always Right Even Being Total Jerk!