How Feminists See Porn

How Feminists See Porn

Vsem privet, godpoda!

I recently read an article Sex Experts Explain Everything You Need To Know About Feminist Porn and you know what? I am shocked or, how we say it on Russian, ya v ahue (я в ахуе), meaning I am… deeply f*cking shocked. It’s so ridiculous!

Let’s be honest, you don’t need to attend college or evening church to know what porn is and, if you ask me, I always thought that porn is only a visual thing because I watched this milli…

Well, it’s a whole different story so let’s go back to our topic.

This article changed my mind because it’s a bunch of professional scholars (!!!) who talks about porn. Particularly about feminist porn. If I am not mistaken, these… em… porn scholars watch adult movies 24/7 to write reviews in a strong academic language. Here is one quote:

"In terms of production, feminist porn focuses on making it 'safe, professional, political, empowering, and fun.'" 

What did I just read? Making it professional, political, and empowering? How can you make it political? Or is it something we need to take seriously because it may appear in the next election?

Hey, America! I knew you were a crazy country full of paradoxes, but I didn’t think you have crossed the borders of common sense. And you guys called us crazy communists for 70 years!

Awright, we live in a time when everybody behaves like a sensitive kid who likes to play a race and/or victim card and cry a river if they see (or imagine) that someone tries to suppress their rights. I don’t mind it when it has something to do with real issues, but sometimes (well, frequently) it reminds me of symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia.

So, I guess the feminist porn is a form of women defense against toxic masculinity and men’s domination in a sex hierarchy? I can buy it but isn’t that statement contradicts the opinion that media has been sexualizing women for a long time?  

So now adepts of feminism want to promote porn that defends… women's rights or something else related to that? Well… Who am I but a toxic straight white Russian communist male to judge it?!

Yet I am still puzzled and to figure out what it is I am going to watch feminist’s por… I mean National Geographic documentaries about bees.

Vsem udachi!

Quarantine Dating Glossary: Semi-Surrogate Sex Life?

Quarantine Dating Glossary: Semi-Surrogate Sex Life?

Quarantine Dating Glossary: Semi-Surrogate Sex Life?

Zdorova, ladies and ladies!

            We all wonder how to f*ck during quarantine? The Ultimate Guide To Quarantine Dating Lingo shared guidelines on how to avoid loneliness or, to simply put this, how not to be a sexless loser during this prolonged epidemy.

            Here are the guidelines we need to follow:

1)     Zoom Date. Despite Zoom’s glitches, you and your crush can have a great conversation from afar.

What’s wrong with that? It’s a distance relationship that hardly ever lead to something serious. Even you can see your second half from your PC or smartphone screen, you remained alone. You may drown into real heart-breaking solitude because (and I have that experience guys that once put me into a long depression when I drank countless vodkas) the odds are that you can become obsessed with your love object so much that it can cause troubles with your everyday life.

However, some people like this. I don’t know about you guys, but it’s not my freaking type. I learned this line from one of my acquaintances who said he won’t live in Las Vegas since there are too many casinos he didn’t expect (WTF, MAN?!).

2)     Virtual One Night Stand. When hooking up with someone with no intention to continue communication, now it takes online format with much more sexting.

What’s wrong with that? It’s a paradox since hook up implies, if you don’t know it, my dear first-graders, real-life meeting with minimum sexting part. Sexting is a good idea, but when it happens online-only (if I get this right) it looks like a middle-school I-love-you-let-me-pound-you note a teacher can accidentally pick up and say… well, it’s OK, kid, come into mah haus’ we’ll watch Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure.

3)     Match-Cute. Instead of going to Starbucks or Bookstore (which usually is the same thing), you see your crash’ profile and his or her desires in dating apps.

What’s wrong with that? Dating apps sucks guys. Back in the days when they were becoming popular, you had better chances to catch prey. Right now, dating apps consisted of a bunch of fakes, retarded millennials (who wrote ridiculous things like “If you like sharks, GFY” or “I am a white girl and wish to be a gay man” (no b*llshit, guys, I saw it; for your information, honey, if you are a girl you are already gay!), and selfish valley girls who want to date or marry a rich purse. I don’t want to demotivate you folks, and they're still a chance to find a good fit, but let’s admit that we all saw that. Dating apps are the worst thing in the universe, besides Twitter and New York Metro.

4)     Coronavirus Boyfriend. Someone you met before quarantine and who you decided to reach out because you are tired of boredom. It might not be the best thing, but now it’s OK.

Nothing wrong with that so far except the fact that you may break up with ‘someone nice’ when you get bored. Don’t play on feelings, folks.

5)     Corona-zoned which is pandemic friend-zoning.

What’s wrong with that? Just read this again: pandemic friendzone. It’s so disgraceful that I can’t leave any more comments on that.

6)      Sexually Isolating to prevent getting COVID-19.

Can work for introverts, but not for everybody else.

7)     Turbo Relationship. Quick relationship within the space of a few months.

What’s wrong with that? It’s just another semi-fake relationship with few obligations.

8)     Zumping or chat room.

            Good idea, but I am already doing it with KGB.

9)     Post-Quarantine Date. The first date you go with someone you met on dating apps or social media.

Finally, the real-life date! Just don’t tell you like sharks, and everything will probably go smoothly.

That’s it, ladies and ladies and it’s up you to decide what the best for you. Let me share my alternative:

1)     Use your phone or PC a few times a day or when you need to. Surprisingly, but it can reduce the level of stress and make you feel freer.

2)     Instead of watching Netflix, grab a good book since reading is always a good idea.

3)     Though all gyms are closed, create a jogging habit on the morning or evenings.

4)     Try meditation.

5)     It’s a good time to advance your skills and to work on your flaws. Become a better version of yourself!

Millennials be like:

Wat, I just read? Stop using the phone, read more, and go jogging? Work on yourself? Bruh, I am perfect though others say I am not (they just jealous!). Who read books in 21 century? The last thing I read was the McDonald’s menu. My favorite part is about Bacon and Cheeseburger. You made such an oppressive comment! You don’t like that I hate sharks? You hate me because my gender is Arctic Seal?  YOU’RE RACIST! I am going to call the police… wait I hate the police… OMG, I started to cry.

NO SAME-SEX MARRIAGE IN RUSSIA

No same-sex marriage in Russia

Vsem Privet,

Same-sex marriage, including both genders, as well as transgenders (how many genders are there, lol?), won’t ever be legalized in Russia as well as in other post-soviet countries.

Why not?

First, same-sex marriage, LGBTQ, and other same-like novelty from West considered to be a threat to a conservative, family-oriented, and religious Russian society. Moreover, same-sex marriage may hit to demographics of the country, where the population slowly decreases. In recent corrections to the Russian constitution, Vladimir Putin and State Duma (analog of American congress) made clear statements, that family, traditions, and ethics are the main priority to the country. This is what Putin recently said:

As far as ‘parent number 1’ and ‘parent number 2’ goes, I’ve already spoken publicly about this and I’ll repeat it: As long as I’m president this will not happen. There will be dad and mum,

However, these statements do not cancel or somehow oppress non-traditional sexual relationships in the country. For instance, there are many gay celebrities in Russia. You’d be surprised, but some of whom are open about their orientation where others won’t make coming out for personal reasons.

But let’s imagine, that State Duma allowed same-sex marriage. What reactions would follow? Nationwide protests may lead the government to lose its legitimacy in people’s eyes. If even there will be no protests, LGBTQ won’t simply take root in society.

It always a bad idea to sow seeds where they won’t ever grow, after all.

SEX EDUCATION 101 Professor Vladimir Trump

Sex Education 101 Professor Vladimir Trump

Zdorova bratva

It’s been almost four months since the quarantine started, and people still wonder: “What the f*ck is going on?”. And it’s a pizdetz suka blyat!

While there are tones of answers to that question, both subjective, objective, biased, unbiased, and other nobody-give-sh*t responses, other important questions come up.

Before I’ll put this, excuse my language by using words related to sex. For many people it’s an uncomfortable topic. Since I respect the feelings of my audience, and since I am very polite and politically correct person, I’ll ask this straight:

How to f*ck during f*cking quarantine? And what the f*ck is going f*ucking on with f*cking how to do f*cking f*ck?

See, how I didn’t use the s-word? Because I can relate to you (konechno net) feelings. By the way, the * hides the letter ‘u’. It’s for the kids, who study the alphabet.

In other words, I am a pure, communist angel as Stalin called me.

But let me put the jokes aside. How to do thiS during quarantine? Well, here is an option.

If you want to be with women, men, gays, lesbians, transgenders, feminists, black-lives-matter activists, aliens, republicans, democrats, Bill Cosby, etc. you need to invite whoever he or she is to the party.

‘That’s impossible!’, you may ask.

Since it’s not math, it’s easy. To make this possible, you need to ask people to bring respirators, chips, and vodkas (especially this). Also, people need to bring themselves because otherwise, you would do this on your own.

You got what I mean?

People get clicked, and after drinking one gallon of vodka, they are ready for thiS. See? I don’t use s-word, because I respect you. Anyway, we speak about f*cking f*ck, da?

People can hug and touch each other since respirators don’t allow you to be face-to-face (which is a good thing, cause you or these party people can be very ugly or be the Republican party supporters).

That’s my advice to you, comrades. And one more thing. Before doing thiS (by what I mean f*cking f*ck) be sure that you have a partner that fits into your orientation. Because otherwise it would be… em… f*cked up.  

That’s all, my good and sexy tovarischi. And if you don’t have any friends, or a partner, you are not desperate! While reading my blog, you would feel as you are doing this (which is f*cking). It doesn’t work, at least you can imagine this and drink vodkas.

Poka!

BUZZFEED Has Awful Casual Encounter Section

BUZZFEED Has Awful Casual Encounter Section

Vsem privet!

Kak dela, guys, women, republicans, democrats, transgenders, transhumans, cats, dogs, and fans of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace episode? 

It doesn’t matter who you are since everybody would agree with one thing: we LOVE to take tests (except college ones, of course).

My homies from the CCS sent me an article from BUZZFEED called: Quiz: Are You Going To Be In My Quarantine Circle? 

To understand how ridiculous and funny this test is, you should take it yourself. But let me give you the funniest moments from the test.

As everything else in life, the test starts normally. But then…

Are you currently infected with the coronavirus? My answer is NO since I don’t go out so often since Vladimir (not the one you thought about) don’t allow me.

Have your local health authorities said it’s OK to go outside? Not yet, but who cares what they say? I recently visited The Venus Beach and its local crowd acts crazy as usual.

Then this test asks me whether I am his or her parent, cousin, hot neighbor, or has any relation to it? Well, it was kinda disturbing since KGB used to ask caught American spies: “Do you have family, cousins, or any friends? Yes, you said! You won’t see them again, but you’ll get a new family in GULAG”.

Have we dated? Don’t remember. Did we have a romantic vacation in Vienna? I wanted to say no, but then I thought: if it’s you, Lucy, it was all mistake, I wish you the best, and goodbye forever!

After a couple of other questions, I got this: “Forget about it. Am I trying to have sex with you?”.

Well, I don’t mind, but please, be a girl (not you, Mrs. Dollores, and I don’t need any of your tips!).

Will you let me borrow your car, your pool, and weed? Well, babe, I don’t have those, but since you offer me sex, I don’t mind sharing those with you (except Vodka and weed that I also don’t have).

Will spending time with you distract me from the isolated hell time of pandemic life? Yeah, babe, time spent together would be a gift for our memories. I will give you the reddest passion a good communist can give to a woman. I am not like other guys. Da. Da. Da. 

But suddenly I got this.

You got: No! You're not worth including in my quarantine circle!

Sorry! I like you, but not that much. The embers have grown cold, the ties have frayed, and the timber of our friendship has splintered. Whatever the reason, you're not worth including in my newly expanded quarantine circle. Bye forever!

Wow, wow, wow, what the fu*k you just said? Are kidding me? How that even impossible? And after everything, I have done (I mean, the things I could do to you if we could have sex) you said no? Охуеть! Fu*k you 1 000 000 million of times! You just everybody else, you just want to take my money! Дура, you don’t even to whom you said no! By the way… you are so ugly. Просто уродина. Even 10 liters of Vodka won’t make you beautiful in my eyes! Короче, просто иди нахуй! 

Sorry America, now we WILL intervene in your elections! До встречи.

The Ideal Online Commencement Ceremony Using Smekalochka

The Ideal Online Commencement Ceremony Using Smekalochka

Tom The Commie - Virtual Commencement Ceremony 2020

Zdorovo, moyi horoshie! 

Ok, let’s get down to vodka... I mean get down to business right away, and I am especially interested to review upcoming commencement ceremonies. 

Many graduate students got upset regarding the lack of physical ceremony due to ongoing COVID-19 (I don’t about you folks, but that sound for me as a toilet cleanser) quarantine. Thousands of thousands (which equals million, but thousands of thousands sound more epic) students couldn’t attend an event to receive a college diploma and grab a microphone to tell the audience that all higher education is useless except night parties before the days of final exams. Such a shame, isn’t it? Or pozor, how we say that in Russian!

Though we have a bunch of technologies in the 21st century, we still can’t find the answer to the following question: how we should celebrate the online commencement so that it would be no less memorable than actual commencement? 

We, as Russian people have a long history to approach the problem from a different, more creative angle! We call it smekalochka in Russia (which has closer meaning to words like ‘mother wit’ or ‘savvy’). So, here is my advice from the power of smekalochka:

1. Set up a huge Zoom meeting 

2. Get a bunch of vodkas*

3. Turn on radio and camera

4. Turn it off and start to drink vodka! (who is listening to Zoom conferences, after all?). I barely did this, but I still got all A’s for the Spring semester!

Just admit that, guys. Vodka will make you much happier than some long, boring, and useless academic ceremony. And remember that you got only the diploma, but you DIDN’T get a job! You don’t even have an experience, so how do you think you would get an unpaid 24/7 hours 6-month long internship where you have to drive for 7 hours from 4:00 am to get there and that requires you to have a 5 years old working experience in your occupation? Capitalism is awesome, isn’t it? 

*Rather than buying fakes like Borski’s Vodka purchase Stolichnaya or The Russian Standard. Help the Russian economy grow during the crisis. Come on, America, help us a little bit, and we won’t intervene in your elections again. I promise (but Vladimir not!).

A Dildo Is An Essential Item? What The Hell Is Going On?

A Dildo Is An Essential Item? What The Hell Is Going On?

Zdravstrvuyte, druzia!

I completely understand, that staying indoors for a long time sometimes makes you crazy. However, with the pandemic gets wider and wider the madness reaches the point of North Korea, by which I mean a point of no return.

In the recent video, one smart guy said that all essential items are sold out (like sanitizers, toilet paper or extra-large adult diapers, etc.) and that the Amazon must be shut down until restocking since there is no need to non-essential items like dildos (yes, you heard it)to be sold.

From first glance, it’s all clear, right?

But some people from Hell (Twitter) think the opposite! According to them, Alcohol is not an essential item (which makes my vodka’s army get outraged!). Others believe this Amazon worker subtly shows the toxic masculinity over those women who, as they believe, are getting suppressed. What can I say to these people? Stay indoors. Stay indoors forever and ever. Please don’t talk, and don’t think. Никогда!

But, hey, I can say that alcohol may not always be an essential item (which makes me aggressive).

But since the customer is always right, let’s pretend that dildo is an essential item.

Just imagine how a bunch of Amazon guys delivers dildos all around the country. My communist mind already imagined how one of these guys delivers XXL Dildo (with the tag ‘Proudly made in the USA’ on it) to Apt. 666, where he surprisingly meets Mrs. Clause, the driver’s Philosophy College Professor.

But anyway… dildos… are essential items?

That’s why I hate capitalism. Dosvidaniya!

The Olympics 2020 Cancelled!

The Olympics 2020 Cancelled!

CCS Blogger - TOM THE COMMIE

Hey comrades! I am so disappointed with the fact that the 2020 Olympics in Japan was canceled due to coronavirus. Why is it so sad?

First, there are many Anime fans in Russia. Thousands of Russian nationals won’t see and meet gorgeous Anime girls. They, in turn, will miss the opportunity to shoot from Kalashnikov and to try Russian vodka and dumplings, that we call Pelmeni (don’t ask why).

Second, we won’t see stunning competitions between different teams, especially between Russian and American teams. KGB told me that it would be easy to defeat burger-eaters and - lawsuit-cowboys from America, and unfortunately this time it’s impossible. Какая досада!

Third, since most gyms are closed during pandemic this would be the year of obesity. We in Russia already prepared for it. We bought millions of dumplings and Vodkas and Kalashnikov. The only thing is that we don’t know what do to with this.

What about America? Everybody says to stay indoors and watch Netflix. But everybody would be agreeing, that nobody wants to be couch-potato, right?

So, here’s the decision. I and my friend Vladimir (not the one you think about) can go on LA streets with those who tired from staying indoors.

Your goal is simple. The only thing you need to do is to run as far as possible from us, because otherwise, Kalashnikov bullets would reach you, bringing you to pizdec (on Russian it means something like fuc*ed up).

You guys would not only lose weight but also would become stronger. You don’t believe me?

Rebyta, it did work when I was four years old, so you won’t be an exception!

How Russia Is Self-Defending From The Coronavirus

How Russia Is Self-Defending From The Coronavirus

TOM THE COMMIE - Chris Collins Show Blogger

Coronageddon Zdorovo, ludi!

Good news – soon you could play Fallout or Mad Max in real life. Bad news – you are going to do this in survival mode, with no game savings.

But don’t panic! We have shelters to secure ourselves from the virus\zombies\Mormons\Scientologists\ traveling salesmen and other riders of Apocalypse or, better say, Coronageddon.

How do I, as a Russian, protect myself from the coronavirus? Same as you, folks! But if you don’t know how-to, let me give you advice!

So, a couple of days ago I and my friend Vladimir (not the one you may think about!) went to the Vons. Because there was no water, we took all vodkas from the shelves, from the Russkiy Standart to Smirnoff. Then we went to my garage when we take our Kalashnikovs and went home. We built an iron fence, set up projectors and put three little bears the LA zoo happily gifted me when I went there with my AK-47.

So, we turned our house into the GULAG, but then, as our American neighbors by some reason started to worry, we turned our whole neighborhood into one big GULAG. With smiles on their faces, American folks built the camp by themselves. How I and Vladimir could do it? Simple. Kalashnikov deals with all problems, I guarantee!

And in fact, nobody gets sick in our GULAG. Why?

Because everybody except me and Vladimir involved in working so there is no time to get sick! But there is another remedy for COVID-19!

Vodka!

Takie dela!

Putin Put In Himself Again!

Putin Put In Himself Again!

Zdrastvuyte, tovarischi!  

Wild news here, comrades! 

Stop reading Sleeping Beauty: Gay Version and look at the new article from the Moscow Times: Russian and real US president Vladimir Putin is trying to extend his authority until 2036, in case if he wins the upcoming 2024 elections.

The odds of this are quite big because:  “This would be a stabilizing factor for our society,” Valentina Tereshkova said, who is a Russian state deputy and the first woman in space!

So, what does it mean for all of us?  

For me, it means that very soon I’ll be promoted to KGB chief for making my job. For Americans, let me congratulate you!

Putin’s alleged plans to extend term means, that US elections will be hacked until 2036! HA-HA-HA!  …Wait, why are you crying?

Oh, I see. You cried in the last chapter of Sleeping Beauty: Gay Version. Eh.  

But let's leave the jokes aside for a second. 

Why the Russian government suddenly raised a question about new possible terms? 

Let me shortly explain it to you:  Because of Western sanctions—Ukraine’s crisis and economic issues right now—Vladimir Putin is the only one who can manage the situation. There are no other real alternatives in Russian politics. The majority of people support the president. He didn’t approve anything yet, so he rather may create a special option that, under certain consequences, would allow him to run the office again. 

Takie dela.  But let’s think smarter.

What about if we would exchange our presidents? Putin runs the USA and Trump runs Russia. 

You said ‘no’? Ok, just let Putin run two countries, I got your desires! 

F*ck you, Coronavirus!

F*ck you, Coronavirus!

Tom the Commie - Chris Collins Show Blogger

Zdorovo, rebyta!  

Shit happens. You accidently drink other guy’s drink while in cinema? Shit happens! (By the way, I did it once, and Kombucha was dam’ go-o-od!). You couldn’t find restroom?

Shit literally happens!  

Coronavirus is one of the biggest shit that happens! Suka Blyat!  

But coronavirus is not a topic to make jokes about. The number of sick people increases, and there is no actual remedy for the disease. What you can do? 

The Wall Street Journal says: 

“Wash your hands, cover your coughs and sneezes, and stay at home from work or school when you’re sick.” 

To clarify, it’s first time for you guys to take care of personal hygiene when you go to bathroom and when you leave 7eleven. And no, Jesus won’t save! 

Who’s in charge for the spread? No, it’s not twenty-years green-eyed McChiken (why it has eyes?) you tried to sell to Antique Store. No. Guess who? *drumroll* 

Konechno, it’s ruskies!  

The Washington Examiner says, that sources for media hysteria about coronavirus

“…includes Russian state-funded media, official accounts, proxy news sites that spin conspiracy theories under the guise of journalism, and then legions of false social media personas.”

Really guys? If it’s a Russian media, why it’s not on American TV? Nonsense! I gonna speak with KGB why it’s not on air… 

And one more thing: 

Unfortunately, we have been able to assess that accounts tied to Russia”. Guess it was assessed the same way ‘Parasites’ got nominated! (Sorry, I like Joker). 

Seems like news brainwashed us again, and we don’t know what’s right or wrong. But there is a truth out there!  

Keep yourself clean! Takie dela. 

You Are F*ck*d Up, Clearview!

You Are F*ck*d Up, Clearview!

Tom The Commie - CCS Blogger

Zdravstvuyte my dear tovarischi! 

Da, I read the news like everyone else, and as a KGB secret agent, I am aware that Clearview AI’s client data was stolen.

Pozor and so creepy, because right now all internet knows that you people (and particularly you…yes, especially you!) likes pizza with pineapples, consider Jar Jar Binks to be the best Star Wars’ character, and bought that ‘I am not gay but $20 is $20’ t-shirt from eBay. Eh.

No wonder why the public is outraged. 

Tor Ekeland, Clearview AI's attorney, said that "Security is Clearview's top priority."

Really? I am outraged too! Now everybody knows that I hack American elections for fun I cheated to pass my “Politics of Kanye West” class in a bet for a Zhigulevskoe beer with my friend Ivan. But that’s a story for other time. 

Tech giants also outraged. Google, Facebook, and even Microsoft sent Clearview AI warning letters to delete images from their platforms.

What does Clearview say? 

Ekeland added that in the 21st century it’s normal to have such issues. 

Normal? There are people fired for reading “Three Ways to Tell Your Boss He is Jerk” while on the clock because of your failure, Clearview! 

At the same time, the news is great! In what way? Because it’s the first time nobody accuses Russia of stealing data, hacking elections, forgetting keys in car, etc.! We are not detected, ura! 

That’s all, comrades! It’s my time to hack borsh again. Vsego horoshego! 

THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING!

THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING! THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING! THE RUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHIANS ARE COMING!

In fact, we – I mean THEY – are even closer than it may seem! At least for Americans, who believe that the sun is revolving around the Earth, which, of course as we know, is flat!

Zdravstvuyte comrades!

This is Tom the Commie, with an overview of the recent Iowa caucus debacle. Of course, everybody’s first thoughts were: “Are Russian hackers manipulating an American election?”

Big nyet!

The only conspiracy here is poll workers failing to use their app to count results correctly.

Since it’s uncomfortable to admit government officials don’t know how to use iPads, when America has problems, Russia is always scapegoat.

Such pozor, isn’t it?

The New York Times wrote an article directly saying that Russia is meddling to re-elect Trump.

There’s nothing new, just accusations towards Russia. Behind all this so-callness there is hardly any evidence.

Just check out ridiculous one:

“The intelligence community issued an assessment in early 2017 that President Vladimir V. Putin personally ordered a campaign of influence in the previous year’s election and developed ‘a clear preference for President-elect Trump.’”

Yep, Putin by his czarist will personally command Trump to become a president. Just like the same way he commanded George Bush to choke on his pretzel.

It’s said democracy is dying in darkness…Is it?

It seems like democracy dying in ignorance.

So that’s how it just goes comrades. Russia is the bad guy! A furious bear.

Dosvidanya!