Craziness Americans Can't See
Hello, my lovely and sexy comrades!
I’ve been living in the USA for almost 6 years and during that time I watched a lot of quirks Americans do. It’s time to ask you: WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU DOING?!
1. Asking ‘How are you?” with no actual interest in it
Why do you ask this question if you don’t want to know how am I doing? I know that you don’t want to hear that I am upset with Russian hackers’ job during this election or that I’ve been working hard last night and didn’t sleep much. I know that you ask this question in the sense of politeness, not sincerity. You have a lot of issues with expressing your sincerity which also hurts you: you may look positive, but at the same time you take antidepressants to cure your long-lasting depression... The USA is the #1 nation of antidepressants-consumers in the world. In the world! And you consider your country the greatest in the world? Think of it for a moment.
2. Why are you smile all the time?
Russians and many other nations consider the American smile to be hypocritical, and we call it “plastic smile”. Why smile to everybody? I can see by your face that you are trying to smile, but don’t want to do this. What’s wrong with looking neutral? You should smile only to those who you care about or, like in my case when you get a good Russian Vodka Putinka (it’s actual Russian brand and it’s not sh*t like American Borski Vodka!!!).
3. Walking to strangers’ house with shoes
Why don’t you take off your shoes? For your information, we clean our floor and carpets and don’t want to see shoe spots, especially if you have been in 7eleven.
4. Obsession with race
You are trying hard to defend racism, but everybody talks about racial issues every time. Morgan Freeman once said: "I'm going to stop calling you a white man and I'm going to ask you to stop calling me a black man". Is it that hard? All people are equal and deserve respect except those who like pizza with pineapples.
5. Obsession with being politically correct
Why everybody is so sensitive and get triggered when they see (or think they see) something racist, sexist, and another sh*t like that? I don’t care if you would hate me for this, but in many ways, these issues have been created by your sick imagination. I get triggered when I see why Russian hackers do so poorly this year.
6. Obsession with money and materialism
There is even a t-shirt with “I am not gay but 20$ is 20$” title on it. You are so miserable.
7. Love to argue
The American paradox: everybody super nice to each other until they got a verbal fight. Many Americans are quite aggressive when they don’t get the things they want. I understand when you get upset about serious things like why America is not a part of Russia yet, but why small things can piss you off? You are so miserable.
8. Aggressive foreign policy
You blame Russia, Chine, Iran for all the sins, but you have invaded Iraq, Libya, and Syria. So, who is the main world aggressor after all?
9. Americans are so spoiled
Stop complaining about any kind of harassment. Life is not easy. Nobody owes you anything. If you want to live well, without stress, take away your hypocritical smiles. Be sincere, stop competing all the time and trust me, then your life will become much easier and better. Money is important, but they don’t solve everything.
You can laugh at my words, but you have no other choice. In the US, violence only grows. Look at the skyrocketing number of mass shootings, police brutality, racial conflicts (in which everyone is to blame, absolutely all races, both whites and blacks, and Asians and Latinos have racists, everyone!), not speaking about material instability.
PUTtINg it all together, I don’t want to offend my dear Americans. Jokes aside, I think that America is a great country in many ways, majority of people are very nice here, but WHY ARE YOU KEEP DOING THESE FUC*ING STUPID QUIRKS THAT MADE ME WANT TO ASK VLADIMIR (THE ONE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT, DAAAAA!) PRESS RED COMMUNIST BUTTON AND MAKE AMERICA EXPLOSIVELY SHINE AGAIN??
I am a good and kind person but… you are so weird. It’s vodka time… see you again next time. Dosvidaniya and go to hell!