Sh*t Muricans Say

Just tell me… why are you saying those?!

Welcome to hangover, friends!

Recently your next bar friend Tom the Fuck*ng Commie found an interesting Buzz Feed article where people discuss cute and just cool things Americans do often but what they at the same time don’t really think about. I chose my own favorites and this is what happened:

1. I like when Muricans say “Are you f*cking kiddin’ me?!”.  A recently old guy (well can I call an old person an old guy? Guy is often someone who is young and dumb whereas an old person is often somebody who is just du… well, never mind, back to topic).

So recently old guy asked if I was f*cking kiddin’ him when I asked his ID on my job since he was about to buy alcohol (and it wasn’t good vodka!). I said to him: no, old guy, I am not f*cking kiddin’ you, just let me see your old guy’s ID. But why? Because I would send it to Vladimir (yeah, the one you thought about!) so he would ask me why Americans keep buying Borski vodka instead of Putinka or Russian Standard. Are they f*cking kiddin’ me or what?

2. I like when Muricans say “Happy Friday!”. How can it be happy Friday if I am working? Why are you telling me that, old guys, huh? You would take this vodka to your home to have a good time while I must stay here, behind the counter speaking with that another dumb old guy? Are you f*cking kiddin’ me?!

3. I like how Muricans say “Well, basically…” because whatever follows next is literally not worth being explained as “basically”.

4. It’s funny how Muricans say “Sup” instead of normal “What’s up?”. So here I have a question: “Why are you degrading your own language?! Sup with you?!”.

5. I like how Muricans say “It is what it is” because it is what it is, I got it already, thanks.

6. I like how Muricans say, “Oh shoot!” instead of “Oh sh*t!”. It’s just funny how you try to soft your speech and just to be a well-mannered person though your t-shirts like “I am not gay but 20$ is 20$” or “Justin Bieber USA 2012 Tour” automatically disprove it.

7. I like how Muricans say, “I’ll keep that in mind, but no, thanks” because that is the best and universal question to tiresome Mormons who come up with phrase like “We may come to your house and speak about Jesus”. Seriously, why do you want to speak about Jesus in my house? He doesn’t live there!

8. I like how Muricans say “Because it’s the greatest country in the world”. I like it because I know that Russia is the best country in the world, but why are you so lazy to add the word “Russia” in your expression?

9. I like how Muricans say “I don’t know to be honest” and make a facial expression like they are sorry for that.

10.It’s funny how Muricans say “You know I hate Trump because he is Putin’s puppet”. Why are you telling me things that I already know, dumbass?

11.It’s funny how Muricans say “You know I hate Joe because it's Joe”. Why are you telling me things that I already know, dumbass?

12.I like how Muricans say “AC” instead of “Air Conditioner”. Are you so greedy that you are even scared to pronounce extra letters?

Really, guys, why are so weird? But hey, you cute at the same time! Takie dela.

Hey Ukraine, Stay Away from Russia… the USA says

The end of the USA-Russia conflict is near???

This is how the deal looks like! No, really!

Yep, this is what you read – and that sounds weird, am I right? It’s the same kind of things like when hard-core WASP Republican would say with girlish voice “We live in a society!” or when your beloved-and-f*cked Tom the Commie would say “I quit vodka” … but hey… did I say that? Of course, no, my glass princess, I didn’t really mean it, it’s all lies, it’s all pizdezh.

Back to the topic. Something extraordinary just happened during Russia-Germany “Nord Stream-2” agreement.

The recent POLITICO’s article says the following

American negotiators and diplomats have signaled that they have given up on blocking the completion of the pipeline, known as Nord Stream 2, which will ship cheap natural gas from Russia to Germany and stands to be a boon for Moscow.

Here’s more:

In the midst of tense negotiations with Berlin over a controversial Russia-to-Germany pipeline, the Biden administration is asking a friendly country to stay quiet about its vociferous opposition. And Ukraine is not happy.

Behind these announcements perhaps there are some agreements and mutual concessions between the USA, Russia, and Germany regarding “Nord Stream-2” and related topics. Though the USA and Germany indicated that they would invest in Ukraine’s green energy technology and just won’t let Russian use the pipeline for its geopolitical interest I can say that Ukraine may already lose the big battle in its war with Russia. With the completion of “Nord Stream-2”

Ukraine would lose a lot of money since there will be less or even no (opinions vary) Russian gas transit fees that make up a huge contribution to Ukraine’s economy.

Interestingly, is that it’s not Trump but Biden who did that! Is it because Joe wants to rebuild their relationship with Germany, one of the key US allies in Europe? Or is it something else?

Time will show but now it’s takie dela.

Olympics is Not a Place For Politics!

If that Olympics' swimming pool would be filled with vodka, you know where to find me!

Yep, this is how Russian Olympics’ team look like! Честно!

Zdorovo banditi!

According to a Washington Post article, the Russian Olympic Committee does not forbid yet not encourage Russian athletes to speak up about any ongoing topic, ranging from BLM to the Crimean Peninsula. That decision was explained with the following: “The Olympics should not become a platform for any actions and gestures”. However, there is some feeling of discontent on the article, and since it’s Washington Post, there is no surprise why any Russia or Russians-related news is shown in a negative light.

To be honest, I agree that Russian athletes can go through a briefing where perhaps Vladimir (yes, the one you think about!) tell them not to say something stupid, or anti-governmental, or (God forbid!) something anti-vodka!

Anti-vodka… how can I even say that? I should clean my mouth after this (with Mr. Vodka, I am sorry, Mr. Popov).

But at the same time, I think that there should be less politics in sports. Otherwise the world would be f*cked up, my friends!

However… isn’t the USA or any other countries say something or in one way or another guide their athletes not to behave or say some certain way? Well, that type of question must be answered by the athletes. Meanwhile, I doubt that there is anything like freedom of speech in the USA or any other country anymore.

Because if any USA or other Western country’s athlete would say something negative about the BLM movement and related looting, arson, and other violations he or she may say goodbye to the sports career or would be temporarily suspended, which in our “progressive” times can be considered as some kind of lucky outcome. And why do I even use the word “outcome” in a negative context?

Getting fired only because you criticize the socio-political movement for something with what you disagree with?

That’s ABSURD! 

Ha-ha. Looks like leftist politics made such a big turnover that they got on the right-wing side. What next? 10 years in neo-GULAG for the act of freedom of speech?

What is the direction the USA is going? Or am I a racist to ask that?

Takie dela.

SEX EDUCATION 101 Professor Vladimir Trump

Sex Education 101 Professor Vladimir Trump

Zdorova bratva

It’s been almost four months since the quarantine started, and people still wonder: “What the f*ck is going on?”. And it’s a pizdetz suka blyat!

While there are tones of answers to that question, both subjective, objective, biased, unbiased, and other nobody-give-sh*t responses, other important questions come up.

Before I’ll put this, excuse my language by using words related to sex. For many people it’s an uncomfortable topic. Since I respect the feelings of my audience, and since I am very polite and politically correct person, I’ll ask this straight:

How to f*ck during f*cking quarantine? And what the f*ck is going f*ucking on with f*cking how to do f*cking f*ck?

See, how I didn’t use the s-word? Because I can relate to you (konechno net) feelings. By the way, the * hides the letter ‘u’. It’s for the kids, who study the alphabet.

In other words, I am a pure, communist angel as Stalin called me.

But let me put the jokes aside. How to do thiS during quarantine? Well, here is an option.

If you want to be with women, men, gays, lesbians, transgenders, feminists, black-lives-matter activists, aliens, republicans, democrats, Bill Cosby, etc. you need to invite whoever he or she is to the party.

‘That’s impossible!’, you may ask.

Since it’s not math, it’s easy. To make this possible, you need to ask people to bring respirators, chips, and vodkas (especially this). Also, people need to bring themselves because otherwise, you would do this on your own.

You got what I mean?

People get clicked, and after drinking one gallon of vodka, they are ready for thiS. See? I don’t use s-word, because I respect you. Anyway, we speak about f*cking f*ck, da?

People can hug and touch each other since respirators don’t allow you to be face-to-face (which is a good thing, cause you or these party people can be very ugly or be the Republican party supporters).

That’s my advice to you, comrades. And one more thing. Before doing thiS (by what I mean f*cking f*ck) be sure that you have a partner that fits into your orientation. Because otherwise it would be… em… f*cked up.  

That’s all, my good and sexy tovarischi. And if you don’t have any friends, or a partner, you are not desperate! While reading my blog, you would feel as you are doing this (which is f*cking). It doesn’t work, at least you can imagine this and drink vodkas.

Poka!

The Ideal Online Commencement Ceremony Using Smekalochka

The Ideal Online Commencement Ceremony Using Smekalochka

Tom The Commie - Virtual Commencement Ceremony 2020

Zdorovo, moyi horoshie! 

Ok, let’s get down to vodka... I mean get down to business right away, and I am especially interested to review upcoming commencement ceremonies. 

Many graduate students got upset regarding the lack of physical ceremony due to ongoing COVID-19 (I don’t about you folks, but that sound for me as a toilet cleanser) quarantine. Thousands of thousands (which equals million, but thousands of thousands sound more epic) students couldn’t attend an event to receive a college diploma and grab a microphone to tell the audience that all higher education is useless except night parties before the days of final exams. Such a shame, isn’t it? Or pozor, how we say that in Russian!

Though we have a bunch of technologies in the 21st century, we still can’t find the answer to the following question: how we should celebrate the online commencement so that it would be no less memorable than actual commencement? 

We, as Russian people have a long history to approach the problem from a different, more creative angle! We call it smekalochka in Russia (which has closer meaning to words like ‘mother wit’ or ‘savvy’). So, here is my advice from the power of smekalochka:

1. Set up a huge Zoom meeting 

2. Get a bunch of vodkas*

3. Turn on radio and camera

4. Turn it off and start to drink vodka! (who is listening to Zoom conferences, after all?). I barely did this, but I still got all A’s for the Spring semester!

Just admit that, guys. Vodka will make you much happier than some long, boring, and useless academic ceremony. And remember that you got only the diploma, but you DIDN’T get a job! You don’t even have an experience, so how do you think you would get an unpaid 24/7 hours 6-month long internship where you have to drive for 7 hours from 4:00 am to get there and that requires you to have a 5 years old working experience in your occupation? Capitalism is awesome, isn’t it? 

*Rather than buying fakes like Borski’s Vodka purchase Stolichnaya or The Russian Standard. Help the Russian economy grow during the crisis. Come on, America, help us a little bit, and we won’t intervene in your elections again. I promise (but Vladimir not!).