Quarantine Dating Glossary: Semi-Surrogate Sex Life?
Zdorova, ladies and ladies!
We all wonder how to f*ck during quarantine? The Ultimate Guide To Quarantine Dating Lingo shared guidelines on how to avoid loneliness or, to simply put this, how not to be a sexless loser during this prolonged epidemy.
Here are the guidelines we need to follow:
1) Zoom Date. Despite Zoom’s glitches, you and your crush can have a great conversation from afar.
What’s wrong with that? It’s a distance relationship that hardly ever lead to something serious. Even you can see your second half from your PC or smartphone screen, you remained alone. You may drown into real heart-breaking solitude because (and I have that experience guys that once put me into a long depression when I drank countless vodkas) the odds are that you can become obsessed with your love object so much that it can cause troubles with your everyday life.
However, some people like this. I don’t know about you guys, but it’s not my freaking type. I learned this line from one of my acquaintances who said he won’t live in Las Vegas since there are too many casinos he didn’t expect (WTF, MAN?!).
2) Virtual One Night Stand. When hooking up with someone with no intention to continue communication, now it takes online format with much more sexting.
What’s wrong with that? It’s a paradox since hook up implies, if you don’t know it, my dear first-graders, real-life meeting with minimum sexting part. Sexting is a good idea, but when it happens online-only (if I get this right) it looks like a middle-school I-love-you-let-me-pound-you note a teacher can accidentally pick up and say… well, it’s OK, kid, come into mah haus’ we’ll watch Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure.
3) Match-Cute. Instead of going to Starbucks or Bookstore (which usually is the same thing), you see your crash’ profile and his or her desires in dating apps.
What’s wrong with that? Dating apps sucks guys. Back in the days when they were becoming popular, you had better chances to catch prey. Right now, dating apps consisted of a bunch of fakes, retarded millennials (who wrote ridiculous things like “If you like sharks, GFY” or “I am a white girl and wish to be a gay man” (no b*llshit, guys, I saw it; for your information, honey, if you are a girl you are already gay!), and selfish valley girls who want to date or marry a rich purse. I don’t want to demotivate you folks, and they're still a chance to find a good fit, but let’s admit that we all saw that. Dating apps are the worst thing in the universe, besides Twitter and New York Metro.
4) Coronavirus Boyfriend. Someone you met before quarantine and who you decided to reach out because you are tired of boredom. It might not be the best thing, but now it’s OK.
Nothing wrong with that so far except the fact that you may break up with ‘someone nice’ when you get bored. Don’t play on feelings, folks.
5) Corona-zoned which is pandemic friend-zoning.
What’s wrong with that? Just read this again: pandemic friendzone. It’s so disgraceful that I can’t leave any more comments on that.
6) Sexually Isolating to prevent getting COVID-19.
Can work for introverts, but not for everybody else.
7) Turbo Relationship. Quick relationship within the space of a few months.
What’s wrong with that? It’s just another semi-fake relationship with few obligations.
8) Zumping or chat room.
Good idea, but I am already doing it with KGB.
9) Post-Quarantine Date. The first date you go with someone you met on dating apps or social media.
Finally, the real-life date! Just don’t tell you like sharks, and everything will probably go smoothly.
That’s it, ladies and ladies and it’s up you to decide what the best for you. Let me share my alternative:
1) Use your phone or PC a few times a day or when you need to. Surprisingly, but it can reduce the level of stress and make you feel freer.
2) Instead of watching Netflix, grab a good book since reading is always a good idea.
3) Though all gyms are closed, create a jogging habit on the morning or evenings.
4) Try meditation.
5) It’s a good time to advance your skills and to work on your flaws. Become a better version of yourself!
Millennials be like:
Wat, I just read? Stop using the phone, read more, and go jogging? Work on yourself? Bruh, I am perfect though others say I am not (they just jealous!). Who read books in 21 century? The last thing I read was the McDonald’s menu. My favorite part is about Bacon and Cheeseburger. You made such an oppressive comment! You don’t like that I hate sharks? You hate me because my gender is Arctic Seal? YOU’RE RACIST! I am going to call the police… wait I hate the police… OMG, I started to cry.
