Covid-19 Vaccine: Another B*llshit or Light in The End of The Dark-Ass Tunnel?

The cure is on the way?

My dear and hopefully healthy and well-drunk comrades,

The situation with Covid-19 remains uneasy: the mortality rate grows, and nationwide lockdown wouldn’t be canceled any time soon. Neither Trump nor Putin, Russian hackers, and not even thousands of Putins and Chuck Norris (don’t kill me for this, Chuck) can’t stop it: we are all tired with the things that are going on right now.

From the beginning of this sh*t we have been told about undergoing development vaccines and here’s the news for ya, comrades.

According to the article, Russia announces positive COVID-vaccine results from controversial trial Russian vaccine Sputnik V (by the way this word means “satellite” in English) has shown great results in fighting this damn motherf*cker from Wuhan:

The Gamaleya National Center of Epidemiology and Microbiology in Moscow and the Russian Direct Investment Fund said that an interim analysis of 20 COVID-19 cases identified among trial participants has found that the vaccine was 92% effective. The analysis looked at more than 16,000 volunteers — who received either the vaccine or a placebo — 3 weeks after they had taken the first dose. The trial has enrolled a total of 40,000 participants, the release said.

Sounds good, right? But it’s too early (but never too late) to drink vodka! These are not the final but interim results only that needs further tests:

The low number of cases reported in the Sputnik V trial means that there is less certainty that the vaccine’s true efficacy is above 90%, compared with the Pfizer and BioNTech analysis, said Stephen Evans, an epidemiologist at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, in a statement to the UK Science Media Centre (SMC). “Further follow-up is needed because the results are compatible with a much lower efficacy — 60% — based on these data.”

And it’s not all! The article What does COVID-19 vaccine effectiveness mean? Gives a quote that made me think that vaccine research is far from the end:

The broad, early effectiveness figures don’t tell the whole story. Scientists also need to understand how well the vaccine protects people in different age groups and demographic categories.

If you take people who may have side effects even from the 100%-working vaccine coupled with folks who believe that vaccine is another Devil’s invention just like Los Angles traffic jam the situation is hardly fixable! But there is hope.

Seems like big world guys (ok liberals, you may think that they’re nonbinary Alien women – wait, what???) like Russia, the UK, and the USA are working hard to find a vaccine that would save humanity from this Coronapocalypshit. And if politics could matter less than it should be these three superpowers could unite to fight this damn virus and find the way from this ass that whole world had stuck in. F*ck you, coronavirus, you stink!

Takie dela, suka blyat!

P.S If somebody knows CEO of coronavirus, please mail putinlikestrump@gmail.com so I can kick his arse!

UNIVERSITY STUDENTS KICKED OUT FOR VIOLATING CORONAVIRUS SAFETY POLICIES

UNIVERSITY STUDENTS KICKED OUT FOR VIOLATING CORONAVIRUS SAFETY POLICIES

If you were on the fence about attending a university during COVID, well you might want to decide to sit this year out!

In an article from The Washington Post titled: Coronavirus Curfew: Northeastern University dismisses 11 students who gathered in hotel room by Derek Hawkins and Marisa Lati.

Northeastern University didn’t JUST suspend the FRESHMAN exchange students, but they also are trying to keep the students $36,500 Fall semester tuition! All because they were caught hanging out together.

This is ruling is draconian and PLAIN OUTRAGEOUS!

Especially since 18-year olds haven’t even fully developed their prefrontal cortex! That is the part of the brain that warns you that your actions have consequences.

Quarantine Dating Glossary: Semi-Surrogate Sex Life?

Quarantine Dating Glossary: Semi-Surrogate Sex Life?

Quarantine Dating Glossary: Semi-Surrogate Sex Life?

Zdorova, ladies and ladies!

            We all wonder how to f*ck during quarantine? The Ultimate Guide To Quarantine Dating Lingo shared guidelines on how to avoid loneliness or, to simply put this, how not to be a sexless loser during this prolonged epidemy.

            Here are the guidelines we need to follow:

1)     Zoom Date. Despite Zoom’s glitches, you and your crush can have a great conversation from afar.

What’s wrong with that? It’s a distance relationship that hardly ever lead to something serious. Even you can see your second half from your PC or smartphone screen, you remained alone. You may drown into real heart-breaking solitude because (and I have that experience guys that once put me into a long depression when I drank countless vodkas) the odds are that you can become obsessed with your love object so much that it can cause troubles with your everyday life.

However, some people like this. I don’t know about you guys, but it’s not my freaking type. I learned this line from one of my acquaintances who said he won’t live in Las Vegas since there are too many casinos he didn’t expect (WTF, MAN?!).

2)     Virtual One Night Stand. When hooking up with someone with no intention to continue communication, now it takes online format with much more sexting.

What’s wrong with that? It’s a paradox since hook up implies, if you don’t know it, my dear first-graders, real-life meeting with minimum sexting part. Sexting is a good idea, but when it happens online-only (if I get this right) it looks like a middle-school I-love-you-let-me-pound-you note a teacher can accidentally pick up and say… well, it’s OK, kid, come into mah haus’ we’ll watch Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure.

3)     Match-Cute. Instead of going to Starbucks or Bookstore (which usually is the same thing), you see your crash’ profile and his or her desires in dating apps.

What’s wrong with that? Dating apps sucks guys. Back in the days when they were becoming popular, you had better chances to catch prey. Right now, dating apps consisted of a bunch of fakes, retarded millennials (who wrote ridiculous things like “If you like sharks, GFY” or “I am a white girl and wish to be a gay man” (no b*llshit, guys, I saw it; for your information, honey, if you are a girl you are already gay!), and selfish valley girls who want to date or marry a rich purse. I don’t want to demotivate you folks, and they're still a chance to find a good fit, but let’s admit that we all saw that. Dating apps are the worst thing in the universe, besides Twitter and New York Metro.

4)     Coronavirus Boyfriend. Someone you met before quarantine and who you decided to reach out because you are tired of boredom. It might not be the best thing, but now it’s OK.

Nothing wrong with that so far except the fact that you may break up with ‘someone nice’ when you get bored. Don’t play on feelings, folks.

5)     Corona-zoned which is pandemic friend-zoning.

What’s wrong with that? Just read this again: pandemic friendzone. It’s so disgraceful that I can’t leave any more comments on that.

6)      Sexually Isolating to prevent getting COVID-19.

Can work for introverts, but not for everybody else.

7)     Turbo Relationship. Quick relationship within the space of a few months.

What’s wrong with that? It’s just another semi-fake relationship with few obligations.

8)     Zumping or chat room.

            Good idea, but I am already doing it with KGB.

9)     Post-Quarantine Date. The first date you go with someone you met on dating apps or social media.

Finally, the real-life date! Just don’t tell you like sharks, and everything will probably go smoothly.

That’s it, ladies and ladies and it’s up you to decide what the best for you. Let me share my alternative:

1)     Use your phone or PC a few times a day or when you need to. Surprisingly, but it can reduce the level of stress and make you feel freer.

2)     Instead of watching Netflix, grab a good book since reading is always a good idea.

3)     Though all gyms are closed, create a jogging habit on the morning or evenings.

4)     Try meditation.

5)     It’s a good time to advance your skills and to work on your flaws. Become a better version of yourself!

Millennials be like:

Wat, I just read? Stop using the phone, read more, and go jogging? Work on yourself? Bruh, I am perfect though others say I am not (they just jealous!). Who read books in 21 century? The last thing I read was the McDonald’s menu. My favorite part is about Bacon and Cheeseburger. You made such an oppressive comment! You don’t like that I hate sharks? You hate me because my gender is Arctic Seal?  YOU’RE RACIST! I am going to call the police… wait I hate the police… OMG, I started to cry.

BUZZFEED Has Awful Casual Encounter Section

BUZZFEED Has Awful Casual Encounter Section

Vsem privet!

Kak dela, guys, women, republicans, democrats, transgenders, transhumans, cats, dogs, and fans of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace episode? 

It doesn’t matter who you are since everybody would agree with one thing: we LOVE to take tests (except college ones, of course).

My homies from the CCS sent me an article from BUZZFEED called: Quiz: Are You Going To Be In My Quarantine Circle? 

To understand how ridiculous and funny this test is, you should take it yourself. But let me give you the funniest moments from the test.

As everything else in life, the test starts normally. But then…

Are you currently infected with the coronavirus? My answer is NO since I don’t go out so often since Vladimir (not the one you thought about) don’t allow me.

Have your local health authorities said it’s OK to go outside? Not yet, but who cares what they say? I recently visited The Venus Beach and its local crowd acts crazy as usual.

Then this test asks me whether I am his or her parent, cousin, hot neighbor, or has any relation to it? Well, it was kinda disturbing since KGB used to ask caught American spies: “Do you have family, cousins, or any friends? Yes, you said! You won’t see them again, but you’ll get a new family in GULAG”.

Have we dated? Don’t remember. Did we have a romantic vacation in Vienna? I wanted to say no, but then I thought: if it’s you, Lucy, it was all mistake, I wish you the best, and goodbye forever!

After a couple of other questions, I got this: “Forget about it. Am I trying to have sex with you?”.

Well, I don’t mind, but please, be a girl (not you, Mrs. Dollores, and I don’t need any of your tips!).

Will you let me borrow your car, your pool, and weed? Well, babe, I don’t have those, but since you offer me sex, I don’t mind sharing those with you (except Vodka and weed that I also don’t have).

Will spending time with you distract me from the isolated hell time of pandemic life? Yeah, babe, time spent together would be a gift for our memories. I will give you the reddest passion a good communist can give to a woman. I am not like other guys. Da. Da. Da. 

But suddenly I got this.

You got: No! You're not worth including in my quarantine circle!

Sorry! I like you, but not that much. The embers have grown cold, the ties have frayed, and the timber of our friendship has splintered. Whatever the reason, you're not worth including in my newly expanded quarantine circle. Bye forever!

Wow, wow, wow, what the fu*k you just said? Are kidding me? How that even impossible? And after everything, I have done (I mean, the things I could do to you if we could have sex) you said no? Охуеть! Fu*k you 1 000 000 million of times! You just everybody else, you just want to take my money! Дура, you don’t even to whom you said no! By the way… you are so ugly. Просто уродина. Even 10 liters of Vodka won’t make you beautiful in my eyes! Короче, просто иди нахуй! 

Sorry America, now we WILL intervene in your elections! До встречи.

Dr. Anthony Fauci FLIP FLOPS Again As Arizona Hospitals Activate Emergency Plans

Dr. Anthony Fauci FLIP FLOPS Again As Arizona Hospitals Activate Emergency Plans

Do you remember not too long ago – health experts warned the American people about a second peak in Covid19?

Well now – a rise in cases has forced Arizona hospitals to activate emergency plans. 

In an article from CNN titled: 12 STATES SEE RISING COVID-19 HOSPITALIZATIONS AS ARIZONA ASKS HOSPITALS TO ACTIVATE EMERGENCY PLANS by Madeline Holcombe. 

Arizona is one of the 19 states with the trend of new coronavirus cases still increasing. 

While 22 states are trending downward—trends in nine states are holding steady. 

Nationally more than 1.9 million people have been infected by the virus and more than 112,000 have died, according to data from Johns Hopkins University.

Just recently — Dr. Anthony Fauci called the 2nd wave of COVID-19 his worst nightmare:

Now we have something that’s indeed turned out to be my worst nightmare. Something that’s highly transmissible in a period if you just think about it in a period of 4 months it has devastated the world and it isn’t over yet. 

LAST WEEK on the show – we informed the listeners that Dr. Anthony Fauci advocated that NOW is the time to REOPEN schools EARLY—based on “best scientific evidence.”  

That children are affected less than adults.  AND NOW – it's his worst nightmare?!  [Read our BLOG here]

When will the government and the health experts get their act together and give it to us straight?! With a unified voice! 

If you’ve participated in the BLACK LIVES MATTER protest – please do your part and get COVID-19 testing ASAP. 

A Dildo Is An Essential Item? What The Hell Is Going On?

A Dildo Is An Essential Item? What The Hell Is Going On?

Zdravstrvuyte, druzia!

I completely understand, that staying indoors for a long time sometimes makes you crazy. However, with the pandemic gets wider and wider the madness reaches the point of North Korea, by which I mean a point of no return.

In the recent video, one smart guy said that all essential items are sold out (like sanitizers, toilet paper or extra-large adult diapers, etc.) and that the Amazon must be shut down until restocking since there is no need to non-essential items like dildos (yes, you heard it)to be sold.

From first glance, it’s all clear, right?

But some people from Hell (Twitter) think the opposite! According to them, Alcohol is not an essential item (which makes my vodka’s army get outraged!). Others believe this Amazon worker subtly shows the toxic masculinity over those women who, as they believe, are getting suppressed. What can I say to these people? Stay indoors. Stay indoors forever and ever. Please don’t talk, and don’t think. Никогда!

But, hey, I can say that alcohol may not always be an essential item (which makes me aggressive).

But since the customer is always right, let’s pretend that dildo is an essential item.

Just imagine how a bunch of Amazon guys delivers dildos all around the country. My communist mind already imagined how one of these guys delivers XXL Dildo (with the tag ‘Proudly made in the USA’ on it) to Apt. 666, where he surprisingly meets Mrs. Clause, the driver’s Philosophy College Professor.

But anyway… dildos… are essential items?

That’s why I hate capitalism. Dosvidaniya!

YOUNG MILLENNIALS: DON’T EXPECT A STIMULUS CHECK IN THE MAIL

YOUNG MILLENNIALS: DON’T EXPECT A STIMULUS CHECK IN THE MAIL

What up young Millennials, are you sitting around expecting to get a $1200 stimulus check in the mail this month?

Well, don’t hold your breath because you are on the list of people who didn’t PASS GO.  

In an article from the Washington Post titled: "Who won’t get a stimulus check?” by Heather Long.  

If you’re between the ages of 17 and 26, chances are the government is going to KEEP your stimulus check.  

Why? Because Congress and the Senate decided that ANYONE who is being claimed as a dependent over the age of 16 isn’t entitled to the measly crumbs that they have decided to give the American people.  

Who else is on the list of empty pockets? People who are here legally as a permanent resident but are not a full citizen.

This effects my household completely as my husband’s citizenship test has been postponed due to Covid-19. 

It came out late Wednesday night last week that our most vulnerable, people on Social Security, who aren’t required to file taxes, ARE going to get their check without having to file in the middle of a PANDEMIC!!! 

Tighten your belts, as chances are you won’t be seeing much relief anytime soon. 

MASK OR NOT TO MASK?

MASK OR NOT TO MASK?

Can you imagine walking into a bank wearing a mask now that it’s required to wear in public?! 

In an article from BUZZFEED titled: Coronavirus Cases Have Surged, But The US Is Refusing To Take The World’s Most Available Masks by Ken Bensinger 

As hospitals around the country desperately seeking N95 respirator masks to protect health care workers treating COVID-19 patients – the federal government has blocked imports of what might be the world’s most abundant alternative. 

CHINA has an alternative respirator called KN95 that is similar to N95 which is designed to filter out at least 95% of particles that are 0.3 microns or larger in size. 

The Centers for Disease Control has stated that KN95 is as effective as N95, which is certified under US testing standards. 

But this second type of mask, called the KN95, complies with slightly different norms and is made in factories that have not been certified by the US government. 

The REAL question isn't about KN95 vs N95 – IT’S ABOUT should we wear a mask or not? 

Our Surgeon General doesn’t seem to wear a mask on live TV and President Trump doesn’t even practice social distancing by staying 6ft apart during news briefings. 

The U.S. must compete with dozens of other countries desperate to acquire masks – WHY is the U.S. being picky about respirators for the American people? 

As Americans – are we behind in the medical field from the rest of the world? That’s for you to decide. 

The Olympics 2020 Cancelled!

The Olympics 2020 Cancelled!

CCS Blogger - TOM THE COMMIE

Hey comrades! I am so disappointed with the fact that the 2020 Olympics in Japan was canceled due to coronavirus. Why is it so sad?

First, there are many Anime fans in Russia. Thousands of Russian nationals won’t see and meet gorgeous Anime girls. They, in turn, will miss the opportunity to shoot from Kalashnikov and to try Russian vodka and dumplings, that we call Pelmeni (don’t ask why).

Second, we won’t see stunning competitions between different teams, especially between Russian and American teams. KGB told me that it would be easy to defeat burger-eaters and - lawsuit-cowboys from America, and unfortunately this time it’s impossible. Какая досада!

Third, since most gyms are closed during pandemic this would be the year of obesity. We in Russia already prepared for it. We bought millions of dumplings and Vodkas and Kalashnikov. The only thing is that we don’t know what do to with this.

What about America? Everybody says to stay indoors and watch Netflix. But everybody would be agreeing, that nobody wants to be couch-potato, right?

So, here’s the decision. I and my friend Vladimir (not the one you think about) can go on LA streets with those who tired from staying indoors.

Your goal is simple. The only thing you need to do is to run as far as possible from us, because otherwise, Kalashnikov bullets would reach you, bringing you to pizdec (on Russian it means something like fuc*ed up).

You guys would not only lose weight but also would become stronger. You don’t believe me?

Rebyta, it did work when I was four years old, so you won’t be an exception!

How To Make Money During The COVID-19 Pandemic

How To Make Money During The COVID-19 Pandemic

Can’t get back to work for the foreseeable future? Waiting on your EDD to come in?

Here are some fun and creative ways to make money while bunkering down!  

In an article from Buzzfeed titled “Here Are Some Super-Creative Ways People Are Making Money After Losing Their Jobs Due to The Coronavirus.” by Tanya Chen.  

The first of the month is around the corner. The struggle to get income is a high priority!  Chen has written down some fun ways to make that extra cash while stuck at home. 

Here’s just a brief list of things to pick from: 

1. Throw Spa/Make-over Virtual Parties.  

2. Host an exercise/voice/theatre class.  

3. Get your TEFL Certificate (cheap on groupon) and teach English to International Students.  

4. Write customized poems and short stories.  

5. Serenade people online.  

6. Bartender Mixology Classes. 

The imagination is the limit when figuring out your side hustle in these uncertain times. I know I am trying out the Virtual Teaching in foreign countries. 

BUT don’t forget to practice TECHNOLOGICAL HYGIENE! Beware of downloading viruses or falling for an online scam which can wipe out whatever money you have saved along with doing some real damage to your laptop. 

If there is one thing that we can be proud of as Millennials, is our ability to be adaptable in crappy situations.  

SO, WASH YOUR HANDS, TURN ON THE MALWARE, AND GET YOUR HUSTLE ON! 

MILLENNIALS CAN SAVE HUMANITY FROM THE CORONAVIRUS

MILLENNIALS CAN SAVE HUMANITY FROM THE CORONAVIRUS

This illustration is created by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

DID YOU DOWNLOAD CALL OF DUTY’S WARZONE LAST WEEK TO WAKE UP THE NEXT MORNING IN RESIDENT EVIL?

Countries around the world are in lockdown.  From cruise ships quarantining passengers to our U.S. national treasure – Tom Hanks and Idris Elba – testing positive for the Coronavirus.

Now – the World Health Organization (WHO) is saying that COVID-19 is a pandemic. 

According to the WHO, a pandemic is "an epidemic occurring worldwide, or over a very wide area, crossing international boundaries and usually affecting a large number of people.

Extreme measures have taken effect with President Donald Trump suspending travel from Europe for 30 days that started at midnight last Friday. 

We will be suspending all travel from Europe to the United States for the next 30 days. The new rules will go into effect Friday at midnight.  These restrictions will be adjusted subject to conditions on the ground.  

During Wednesday morning's press briefing – Dr. Deborah Birx, the White House's coronavirus response coordinator made a plea to Millennials to stay home and do their part in ‘Social Distancing’ so our generation can help stop the spread of the Coronavirus.

Dr. Deborah Birx spoke to the media about the increasing cases of young adults being hospitalized with COVID-19 in France and Italy stating: 

There may be a disproportional number of infections among that group. So again, I’m going to call on that generation [Millennials] … we cannot have these large gatherings that continue to occur throughout the country for people who are off work. 

Dr. Birx is calling for OUR generation to take the lead by letting the youth of America know that we are “the core group that will stop the virus”.

New guidelines call for all Americans to avoid social gatherings of more than 10 people. This came less than 24 hours after the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention suggested gatherings of more than 50 people should be avoided for two months.

President Donald Trump has suggested that the crisis could last until July.

The US Surgeon General Jerome Adams called into "Good Morning America" Thursday morning to talk about the coronavirus pandemic calling on social media influencers such as Kylie Jenner with her 166 MILLION FOLLOWERS to understand the seriousness of the disease.

In Florida – Millennial spring breakers are refusing to let the coronavirus ruin their celebration defying the federal governments order to stay home.

Now – Florida Governor is calling for Beach Closure in every county within the Sunshine State.

Let’s NOT be dumbasses during these critical times – just look at the numbers in Italy. 

On Wednesday – Italy records the highest one-day death toll of any country since the first case was detected in China.   And now the Civil Protection Agency announces 475 deaths as infections shoot up by more than 4,000 in a day.

To keep everyone informed around the world from avoiding the endless reads of PDF documents – a 17-year-old Gen Zer (Zoomer?) Avi Schiffmann created a website called nCoV2019.live

Schiffmann started the website in late December before the coronavirus had been detected outside of China. The website now receives user traffic with visits by tens of millions of people from around the globe. The resource updates every minute or so by pulling information from the WHO, CDC, etc.

Now – the NBA season is suspended after Utah Jazz player Rudy Gobert and Donovan Mitchell tested positive for the Coronavirus last week. 

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver spoke this week believing if it weren’t for the actions of the league to suspend the season – the United States wouldn’t have taken COVID-19 seriously. 

Silver responded with the following: 

People were not taking these protocols all that seriously until the NBA did what it did”. 

Here, I fixed it: “People were not taking these protocols all that seriously until Rudy Gobert got what he got. 

WHY has it taken an NBA player testing positive to make Americans PANIC about the coronavirus?

The spread of the disease is canceling, postponing, and rescheduling events to avoid the COVID-19.  

College tournaments are following the same precautions to suspend the season until further notice including the NHL, MLS and MLB.

College campuses across the country are transitioning classes to online courses – music events such as Coachella postponing till October – AND – Broadway being forced to close their doors.

In 2014 – ex CEO of Microsoft Bill Gates spoke at TED to discuss the horrific global outbreak of Ebola. 

At the time – Bill Gates warned the world that we should be more prepared for the next outbreak suggesting the following: 

First, we need strong Health systems in poor countries.  That’s where a mother can give birth safely, kids can get all their vaccines, but also where we can see the outbreak very early on.  We need a medical reserve corps: Lot of people who have the training and background who are ready to go with expertise.  And then, we need to pair those medical people with the military taking advantage of the military’s ability to move fast, do logistics, and secure areas.  We need to do simulations. Germ games – NOT War games so that we see where the holes are. The last time a Germ game was done in the United States was back in 2001 and it didn’t go so well.  So far, the score is Germs: 1 | People: 0.  Finally, we need lots of advanced R&D in areas of vaccines and diagnostics.

Should Americans start to PANIC? 

In 1969 – NASA was worried that germs or diseases that might've hitched a ride with the capsule could unleash a lunar plague on Earthlings. When Buzz Aldrin and Michael Collins came back from the mission landing on the moon – NASA immediately placed the crew in anti-contamination suits and were transported to Houston spending 3-weeks in a converted Airstream trailer called the Mobile Quarantine Facility. 

Buzz Aldrin advice for Americans is "Lying on my ass and locking the door," he replied, without hesitating.

Cisco CEO Chuck Robbins told CNBC on Tuesday that the company’s video conferencing platform Webex saw a surge in user activity since the beginning of the month with 5.5 billion meeting minutes in the first 11 business days of March.

Users around the world are converting to virtual meetings to combat the coronavirus. In a recent report from the FDA announced on Thursday – it could take a year to create a COVID-19 vaccine in the United States. 

Get comfortable and hunker down – or as Buzz said—get on your ass and lock the door!—the COVID-19 isn’t going away anytime soon.