Romanov Wedding

Will Russia Go Back to Monarchy?

Recently one news flew through Russian media that after more than a hundred years new Romanov Wedding happened in Saint-Peterburg, the second-largest city in Russia, and where also many revolutionary events took place in 1917.

However, despite the tragic shooting of the czar and his family that happened more than a hundred years ago Romanov descendants did not extinct as they still live and work, being scattered all over Europe.

One of its representatives, Grand Duke George Mikhailovich Romanov, born and raised in Spain, married the daughter of an Italian diplomat.

But here’s the question that comes up: is George (Georgiy on Russian transcription) is real Russian?

According to the article, George always kept the fact of his Russian origin:

"My first language was Russian even though I was born in Spain and raised in France […] My grandparents raised me in Russian history and culture and poetry. It's always been in my soul," he said.

To check this out I found a YouTube video, when George Romanov speaks Russian (with some accent), standing nearby with his bribe, Victoria Romanovna Bettarini studies Russian language and literature.

So, I must say it’s “Здорово!” (Zdorovo!) which means “Good job” in English, my second language that I still speak with an accent I must confess.

However, this wedding, this very event has nothing to do with current Russian politics. Czarist times ended up a long time ago, just like Soviet time too, and whatever people (including some of Romanovs) wish or say Russian will hardly ever go back to monarchy.

Why? Because Russia never canceled the autocratic model of reign, and Romanovs had that model of rule. Look yourself: czars were autocratic; Soviet leaders (General Party Secretariates) were autocratic; and even now, after collapsing of Russian Empire, and then Soviet Union Russia remains a largely autocratic state and during the power of Vladimir Putin it only remains so.

However, it’s not just a single man’s will for power; this autocratic system has something to do with people’s traditions, that somehow make people choose this type of autocratic leader, and Putin here is just someone who represents that system or that people’s traditions.

But does Russia need more democracy? My answer is yes. Many Russians want to live in a more democratic state, but in its own Russian way.

Because now western democracy with its LGBTQ’s wild desires, BLM outlaw protests make western democracy as an example of total anarchy, cancel culture that opposites real freedom with human rights.

 And facts don’t give a sh*t what you may think about my little SJW friend. Takie dela.

The Mighty Power of Smekalochka!

Russian Know-How

Hey comrades, long time (well, long vodka) - no see!

There is a very Russian thing called smekalochka. This thing means untraditional adaptation to circumstances or another way to deal with problems. Its inventiveness is a kind.

Let me give you some examples. You are American, you want to get a KFC, but you broke your car’s door, so what you should do?

You will call your car insurance agency or go to a car repair service. Even if you do not have money, you will use your credit card, just like many Americans do, right?

In Russia, problem solutions would be the same but except the use of car insurance because in Russia majority of people don’t have any kind of insurance since there is no big need for this. But what if you don’t have the money? Pay with a credit card? Well, in Russia many still prefer to use cash instead and because people do not trust the bank system because of its high interest rates. It may be a pain in the neck to use a credit card.

So, what you should do? Is it the dead-end? No KFC this time? In America, people would start to panic, but in Russia, the fun part only starts. And here is how.

Now you are not American anymore, but Russian guy Vladimir (yes, the one you thought about!) from Moscow. You have neither car insurance, nor money to fix the problem. But you have smekalochka! You go to your garage and finds an old locker you barely ever use. You take a hammer, nails, and a couple of other instruments. It takes thirty minutes to you to nail the locker to the car’s door so you can drive your vehicle again!

F*CK ANY COMMON SOLUTIONS IF WE HAVE THE MIGHTY POWER OF SMEKALOCHKA, SUKA BLYAT!

Sounds crazy? Yes, it does! But the craziness does not cancel the inventiveness that helped you dealt with the situation, am I right my sexy Mr. Right (not gay)? There you go!

Here is another example. You are a driver and your truck suddenly got flat tier. You need to deliver goods ASAP, and you know that otherwise you will be fired. Dead end? Nyet!

Remember, you are Russian guy Vladimir from Moscow (yep, that is him!). You take a drill with instruments and just take out the broken tire from the truck to carry on in your journey. It is a risk, yep, but thanks to inertness and other laws of physics the truck can handle the road as if it had all fours! The mighty power of smekalochka works again!

So next time you would have some everyday issues my dear American comrades take a moment and think about how you can handle in another, magic way called smekalochka!

It works 100% all the time, so go and try it right now, at no charge!

P.S Tom the Commie and The Chris Collins Show has no responsibility in cause if your smekalochka failed.

Russia says it's ready to cut ties with the EU and it sucks!

Russia and EU messed up relationship as another example of a worldwide diplomacy crisis

Russia says it's ready to cut ties with the EU and it sucks!

Hello my dear, beautiful, sexy, good-looking, comrades,

When I woke up after another Vodka night session I was routinely checking newsfeed: Joe did this, Joe didn’t do that, Joe was about to do something but then he suddenly got asleep, Trump and republican supporters are bad because they are racist and always assumes everybody’s gender, SJWs blames white people for everything, from global warming to fail in personal relationships (because you thought you dated bisexual transracial Martian whose biological age is 25 but his mental age is 7 and who turned out to be a straight white man!!! OMG, someone needs a Vodka session too and perhaps a visit to the therapist), and so forth, and so forth.

In other words, nothing special happened in another normal suka blyat day in America. But one news quite startled me: Russia says it’s ready to end ties with European Union according to a CNBC article.

This is a quote from Russian foreign minister Sergey Lavrov:

We don’t want to isolate ourselves from global life, but we have to be ready for that. If you want peace then prepare for war.

What do I think about it? Well, I am quite disappointed that within the last couple of years Russia has real trouble getting along with other countries, especially big political blogs, not speaking about the USA. Yes, this contradictive story that resolves with Crimea and Ukraine set everybody’s teeth on the edge, and to be honest, consequences for now are rather negative than positive. At least, if we speak about Russia’s world prestige.

Yet EU and USA don’t seem to look like, as we say it on Russian, nerzhniye and pushistiye (sweet and fluffy, just like kittens from Google pics that probably remains the best thing left in our f*cking world). Come on, let’s admit that in big politics (well, just like in real life) everybody chases their own goals. I like Russia, no, I adore it, but this country did a lot of mistakes. Bloody hell of mistakes! EU and USA, especially, USA is no saint. Hell no! Or it might be saint as Donald Trump’s web browser history. I like America, I like American people, but… there is nothing more to say.

What if we, as Russians and Americans, are hostages of countries? Think about it.

As for Russia’s possible decision to cut ties with the rest of the world and live in isolation – I think it won’t happen because economic ties at least are very, very tight and if one would “rip them off” two sides would fail. There will be no winners for sure. So, I think that Lavrov could make this statement as some sort of warning or to show that Russia has balls, I am sorry, guts. However, that kind of statement, made from both Russia and the USA, EU, and other countries in general serves as proof of world diplomacy’s crisis which is as bad as Downtown LA McDonalds’s restrooms. It full of s*it and is ready to turn a sh*tmonster and take over our virgin asses!  

So, lets us get a big box of popcorn and a good amount of Vodkas to see what would happen next. It’s all sucks, my ladies and ladies!

Venus is officially Russian Planet!

Following Crimea, Venus is now a new part of Russia

Hello Comrades!

We’ve got two news for you: good and bad. What news do you want to hear first? Since we all like to hear the good news first, here is the bad news: scientists found a phosphine gas on Venus which is a potential sign of the possible life on this planet; so Aliens do exists, they kidnapped Elvis Presley, killed Kennedy, ruined ABBA, created a pizza with pineapples and now they will conquer the world.

The good news is that Venus is a Russian planet!

Aliens won’t conquer and colonize us because if they even would like to try, they will go to Venus GULAG! Vladimir (yes, the one you think about) is already thinking about building a whole Communist colony there. He wants to do this right away before America would invade Venus to overthrown the aliens’ government for the lack of democracy and suppressing alien minorities. Nyet, America! Venus is already red – maybe because it’s the sexiest oh sorry I mean the hottest planet in our solar system – and it won’t tolerate any capitalism over there! Capitalism is too unstable it would melt when settling down there!

But putting jokes aside, there is a reason why Venus is called the Russian planet. Back in the days, when grass was greener and people could find jobs, and when USSR hasn’t collapsed yet Venus was considered a ‘Soviet planet’ because Soviet Union invested in research of this planet the most (whereas NASA focused it research on Mars). Since the Russian Federation is the full and official assignee of USSR the Venus is a Russian planet!

There is one issue with Venus: it doesn’t sound Russian enough. So it’s not Venus but Venislav!

SEX EDUCATION 101 Professor Vladimir Trump

Sex Education 101 Professor Vladimir Trump

Zdorova bratva

It’s been almost four months since the quarantine started, and people still wonder: “What the f*ck is going on?”. And it’s a pizdetz suka blyat!

While there are tones of answers to that question, both subjective, objective, biased, unbiased, and other nobody-give-sh*t responses, other important questions come up.

Before I’ll put this, excuse my language by using words related to sex. For many people it’s an uncomfortable topic. Since I respect the feelings of my audience, and since I am very polite and politically correct person, I’ll ask this straight:

How to f*ck during f*cking quarantine? And what the f*ck is going f*ucking on with f*cking how to do f*cking f*ck?

See, how I didn’t use the s-word? Because I can relate to you (konechno net) feelings. By the way, the * hides the letter ‘u’. It’s for the kids, who study the alphabet.

In other words, I am a pure, communist angel as Stalin called me.

But let me put the jokes aside. How to do thiS during quarantine? Well, here is an option.

If you want to be with women, men, gays, lesbians, transgenders, feminists, black-lives-matter activists, aliens, republicans, democrats, Bill Cosby, etc. you need to invite whoever he or she is to the party.

‘That’s impossible!’, you may ask.

Since it’s not math, it’s easy. To make this possible, you need to ask people to bring respirators, chips, and vodkas (especially this). Also, people need to bring themselves because otherwise, you would do this on your own.

You got what I mean?

People get clicked, and after drinking one gallon of vodka, they are ready for thiS. See? I don’t use s-word, because I respect you. Anyway, we speak about f*cking f*ck, da?

People can hug and touch each other since respirators don’t allow you to be face-to-face (which is a good thing, cause you or these party people can be very ugly or be the Republican party supporters).

That’s my advice to you, comrades. And one more thing. Before doing thiS (by what I mean f*cking f*ck) be sure that you have a partner that fits into your orientation. Because otherwise it would be… em… f*cked up.  

That’s all, my good and sexy tovarischi. And if you don’t have any friends, or a partner, you are not desperate! While reading my blog, you would feel as you are doing this (which is f*cking). It doesn’t work, at least you can imagine this and drink vodkas.

Poka!

The Ideal Online Commencement Ceremony Using Smekalochka

The Ideal Online Commencement Ceremony Using Smekalochka

Tom The Commie - Virtual Commencement Ceremony 2020

Zdorovo, moyi horoshie! 

Ok, let’s get down to vodka... I mean get down to business right away, and I am especially interested to review upcoming commencement ceremonies. 

Many graduate students got upset regarding the lack of physical ceremony due to ongoing COVID-19 (I don’t about you folks, but that sound for me as a toilet cleanser) quarantine. Thousands of thousands (which equals million, but thousands of thousands sound more epic) students couldn’t attend an event to receive a college diploma and grab a microphone to tell the audience that all higher education is useless except night parties before the days of final exams. Such a shame, isn’t it? Or pozor, how we say that in Russian!

Though we have a bunch of technologies in the 21st century, we still can’t find the answer to the following question: how we should celebrate the online commencement so that it would be no less memorable than actual commencement? 

We, as Russian people have a long history to approach the problem from a different, more creative angle! We call it smekalochka in Russia (which has closer meaning to words like ‘mother wit’ or ‘savvy’). So, here is my advice from the power of smekalochka:

1. Set up a huge Zoom meeting 

2. Get a bunch of vodkas*

3. Turn on radio and camera

4. Turn it off and start to drink vodka! (who is listening to Zoom conferences, after all?). I barely did this, but I still got all A’s for the Spring semester!

Just admit that, guys. Vodka will make you much happier than some long, boring, and useless academic ceremony. And remember that you got only the diploma, but you DIDN’T get a job! You don’t even have an experience, so how do you think you would get an unpaid 24/7 hours 6-month long internship where you have to drive for 7 hours from 4:00 am to get there and that requires you to have a 5 years old working experience in your occupation? Capitalism is awesome, isn’t it? 

*Rather than buying fakes like Borski’s Vodka purchase Stolichnaya or The Russian Standard. Help the Russian economy grow during the crisis. Come on, America, help us a little bit, and we won’t intervene in your elections again. I promise (but Vladimir not!).

The Olympics 2020 Cancelled!

The Olympics 2020 Cancelled!

CCS Blogger - TOM THE COMMIE

Hey comrades! I am so disappointed with the fact that the 2020 Olympics in Japan was canceled due to coronavirus. Why is it so sad?

First, there are many Anime fans in Russia. Thousands of Russian nationals won’t see and meet gorgeous Anime girls. They, in turn, will miss the opportunity to shoot from Kalashnikov and to try Russian vodka and dumplings, that we call Pelmeni (don’t ask why).

Second, we won’t see stunning competitions between different teams, especially between Russian and American teams. KGB told me that it would be easy to defeat burger-eaters and - lawsuit-cowboys from America, and unfortunately this time it’s impossible. Какая досада!

Third, since most gyms are closed during pandemic this would be the year of obesity. We in Russia already prepared for it. We bought millions of dumplings and Vodkas and Kalashnikov. The only thing is that we don’t know what do to with this.

What about America? Everybody says to stay indoors and watch Netflix. But everybody would be agreeing, that nobody wants to be couch-potato, right?

So, here’s the decision. I and my friend Vladimir (not the one you think about) can go on LA streets with those who tired from staying indoors.

Your goal is simple. The only thing you need to do is to run as far as possible from us, because otherwise, Kalashnikov bullets would reach you, bringing you to pizdec (on Russian it means something like fuc*ed up).

You guys would not only lose weight but also would become stronger. You don’t believe me?

Rebyta, it did work when I was four years old, so you won’t be an exception!

How Russia Is Self-Defending From The Coronavirus

How Russia Is Self-Defending From The Coronavirus

TOM THE COMMIE - Chris Collins Show Blogger

Coronageddon Zdorovo, ludi!

Good news – soon you could play Fallout or Mad Max in real life. Bad news – you are going to do this in survival mode, with no game savings.

But don’t panic! We have shelters to secure ourselves from the virus\zombies\Mormons\Scientologists\ traveling salesmen and other riders of Apocalypse or, better say, Coronageddon.

How do I, as a Russian, protect myself from the coronavirus? Same as you, folks! But if you don’t know how-to, let me give you advice!

So, a couple of days ago I and my friend Vladimir (not the one you may think about!) went to the Vons. Because there was no water, we took all vodkas from the shelves, from the Russkiy Standart to Smirnoff. Then we went to my garage when we take our Kalashnikovs and went home. We built an iron fence, set up projectors and put three little bears the LA zoo happily gifted me when I went there with my AK-47.

So, we turned our house into the GULAG, but then, as our American neighbors by some reason started to worry, we turned our whole neighborhood into one big GULAG. With smiles on their faces, American folks built the camp by themselves. How I and Vladimir could do it? Simple. Kalashnikov deals with all problems, I guarantee!

And in fact, nobody gets sick in our GULAG. Why?

Because everybody except me and Vladimir involved in working so there is no time to get sick! But there is another remedy for COVID-19!

Vodka!

Takie dela!