Quarantine Dating Glossary: Semi-Surrogate Sex Life?

Quarantine Dating Glossary: Semi-Surrogate Sex Life?

Quarantine Dating Glossary: Semi-Surrogate Sex Life?

Zdorova, ladies and ladies!

            We all wonder how to f*ck during quarantine? The Ultimate Guide To Quarantine Dating Lingo shared guidelines on how to avoid loneliness or, to simply put this, how not to be a sexless loser during this prolonged epidemy.

            Here are the guidelines we need to follow:

1)     Zoom Date. Despite Zoom’s glitches, you and your crush can have a great conversation from afar.

What’s wrong with that? It’s a distance relationship that hardly ever lead to something serious. Even you can see your second half from your PC or smartphone screen, you remained alone. You may drown into real heart-breaking solitude because (and I have that experience guys that once put me into a long depression when I drank countless vodkas) the odds are that you can become obsessed with your love object so much that it can cause troubles with your everyday life.

However, some people like this. I don’t know about you guys, but it’s not my freaking type. I learned this line from one of my acquaintances who said he won’t live in Las Vegas since there are too many casinos he didn’t expect (WTF, MAN?!).

2)     Virtual One Night Stand. When hooking up with someone with no intention to continue communication, now it takes online format with much more sexting.

What’s wrong with that? It’s a paradox since hook up implies, if you don’t know it, my dear first-graders, real-life meeting with minimum sexting part. Sexting is a good idea, but when it happens online-only (if I get this right) it looks like a middle-school I-love-you-let-me-pound-you note a teacher can accidentally pick up and say… well, it’s OK, kid, come into mah haus’ we’ll watch Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure.

3)     Match-Cute. Instead of going to Starbucks or Bookstore (which usually is the same thing), you see your crash’ profile and his or her desires in dating apps.

What’s wrong with that? Dating apps sucks guys. Back in the days when they were becoming popular, you had better chances to catch prey. Right now, dating apps consisted of a bunch of fakes, retarded millennials (who wrote ridiculous things like “If you like sharks, GFY” or “I am a white girl and wish to be a gay man” (no b*llshit, guys, I saw it; for your information, honey, if you are a girl you are already gay!), and selfish valley girls who want to date or marry a rich purse. I don’t want to demotivate you folks, and they're still a chance to find a good fit, but let’s admit that we all saw that. Dating apps are the worst thing in the universe, besides Twitter and New York Metro.

4)     Coronavirus Boyfriend. Someone you met before quarantine and who you decided to reach out because you are tired of boredom. It might not be the best thing, but now it’s OK.

Nothing wrong with that so far except the fact that you may break up with ‘someone nice’ when you get bored. Don’t play on feelings, folks.

5)     Corona-zoned which is pandemic friend-zoning.

What’s wrong with that? Just read this again: pandemic friendzone. It’s so disgraceful that I can’t leave any more comments on that.

6)      Sexually Isolating to prevent getting COVID-19.

Can work for introverts, but not for everybody else.

7)     Turbo Relationship. Quick relationship within the space of a few months.

What’s wrong with that? It’s just another semi-fake relationship with few obligations.

8)     Zumping or chat room.

            Good idea, but I am already doing it with KGB.

9)     Post-Quarantine Date. The first date you go with someone you met on dating apps or social media.

Finally, the real-life date! Just don’t tell you like sharks, and everything will probably go smoothly.

That’s it, ladies and ladies and it’s up you to decide what the best for you. Let me share my alternative:

1)     Use your phone or PC a few times a day or when you need to. Surprisingly, but it can reduce the level of stress and make you feel freer.

2)     Instead of watching Netflix, grab a good book since reading is always a good idea.

3)     Though all gyms are closed, create a jogging habit on the morning or evenings.

4)     Try meditation.

5)     It’s a good time to advance your skills and to work on your flaws. Become a better version of yourself!

Millennials be like:

Wat, I just read? Stop using the phone, read more, and go jogging? Work on yourself? Bruh, I am perfect though others say I am not (they just jealous!). Who read books in 21 century? The last thing I read was the McDonald’s menu. My favorite part is about Bacon and Cheeseburger. You made such an oppressive comment! You don’t like that I hate sharks? You hate me because my gender is Arctic Seal?  YOU’RE RACIST! I am going to call the police… wait I hate the police… OMG, I started to cry.

BUZZFEED Has Awful Casual Encounter Section

BUZZFEED Has Awful Casual Encounter Section

Vsem privet!

Kak dela, guys, women, republicans, democrats, transgenders, transhumans, cats, dogs, and fans of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace episode? 

It doesn’t matter who you are since everybody would agree with one thing: we LOVE to take tests (except college ones, of course).

My homies from the CCS sent me an article from BUZZFEED called: Quiz: Are You Going To Be In My Quarantine Circle? 

To understand how ridiculous and funny this test is, you should take it yourself. But let me give you the funniest moments from the test.

As everything else in life, the test starts normally. But then…

Are you currently infected with the coronavirus? My answer is NO since I don’t go out so often since Vladimir (not the one you thought about) don’t allow me.

Have your local health authorities said it’s OK to go outside? Not yet, but who cares what they say? I recently visited The Venus Beach and its local crowd acts crazy as usual.

Then this test asks me whether I am his or her parent, cousin, hot neighbor, or has any relation to it? Well, it was kinda disturbing since KGB used to ask caught American spies: “Do you have family, cousins, or any friends? Yes, you said! You won’t see them again, but you’ll get a new family in GULAG”.

Have we dated? Don’t remember. Did we have a romantic vacation in Vienna? I wanted to say no, but then I thought: if it’s you, Lucy, it was all mistake, I wish you the best, and goodbye forever!

After a couple of other questions, I got this: “Forget about it. Am I trying to have sex with you?”.

Well, I don’t mind, but please, be a girl (not you, Mrs. Dollores, and I don’t need any of your tips!).

Will you let me borrow your car, your pool, and weed? Well, babe, I don’t have those, but since you offer me sex, I don’t mind sharing those with you (except Vodka and weed that I also don’t have).

Will spending time with you distract me from the isolated hell time of pandemic life? Yeah, babe, time spent together would be a gift for our memories. I will give you the reddest passion a good communist can give to a woman. I am not like other guys. Da. Da. Da. 

But suddenly I got this.

You got: No! You're not worth including in my quarantine circle!

Sorry! I like you, but not that much. The embers have grown cold, the ties have frayed, and the timber of our friendship has splintered. Whatever the reason, you're not worth including in my newly expanded quarantine circle. Bye forever!

Wow, wow, wow, what the fu*k you just said? Are kidding me? How that even impossible? And after everything, I have done (I mean, the things I could do to you if we could have sex) you said no? Охуеть! Fu*k you 1 000 000 million of times! You just everybody else, you just want to take my money! Дура, you don’t even to whom you said no! By the way… you are so ugly. Просто уродина. Even 10 liters of Vodka won’t make you beautiful in my eyes! Короче, просто иди нахуй! 

Sorry America, now we WILL intervene in your elections! До встречи.

The Ideal Online Commencement Ceremony Using Smekalochka

The Ideal Online Commencement Ceremony Using Smekalochka

Tom The Commie - Virtual Commencement Ceremony 2020

Zdorovo, moyi horoshie! 

Ok, let’s get down to vodka... I mean get down to business right away, and I am especially interested to review upcoming commencement ceremonies. 

Many graduate students got upset regarding the lack of physical ceremony due to ongoing COVID-19 (I don’t about you folks, but that sound for me as a toilet cleanser) quarantine. Thousands of thousands (which equals million, but thousands of thousands sound more epic) students couldn’t attend an event to receive a college diploma and grab a microphone to tell the audience that all higher education is useless except night parties before the days of final exams. Such a shame, isn’t it? Or pozor, how we say that in Russian!

Though we have a bunch of technologies in the 21st century, we still can’t find the answer to the following question: how we should celebrate the online commencement so that it would be no less memorable than actual commencement? 

We, as Russian people have a long history to approach the problem from a different, more creative angle! We call it smekalochka in Russia (which has closer meaning to words like ‘mother wit’ or ‘savvy’). So, here is my advice from the power of smekalochka:

1. Set up a huge Zoom meeting 

2. Get a bunch of vodkas*

3. Turn on radio and camera

4. Turn it off and start to drink vodka! (who is listening to Zoom conferences, after all?). I barely did this, but I still got all A’s for the Spring semester!

Just admit that, guys. Vodka will make you much happier than some long, boring, and useless academic ceremony. And remember that you got only the diploma, but you DIDN’T get a job! You don’t even have an experience, so how do you think you would get an unpaid 24/7 hours 6-month long internship where you have to drive for 7 hours from 4:00 am to get there and that requires you to have a 5 years old working experience in your occupation? Capitalism is awesome, isn’t it? 

*Rather than buying fakes like Borski’s Vodka purchase Stolichnaya or The Russian Standard. Help the Russian economy grow during the crisis. Come on, America, help us a little bit, and we won’t intervene in your elections again. I promise (but Vladimir not!).

PORNHUB is FREE and OnlyFans, CamSoda Girls Struggle With COVID-19 Demands

PORNHUB is FREE and OnlyFans, CamSoda Girls Struggle With COVID-19 Demands

I don’t know about you—but when I hear the words “FREE-FIFTY-FREE” – it is music to my ears!   

Granted—there is usually a catch—but if you go in knowing the limit you plan to spend (IF ANY) the experience is usually fabulous!  

And, during the Quarantine we are seeing lots of people offering FREE services. 

The two most popular ones are Virtual Workouts and PORNHUB.  

And, while these services sound like a Lockdown Luxury.  Professional Fitness and Sex Workers have all but killed their bills and dildos.  

And don’t just take my word for it.   

VICE went undercover with a feature titled: “Cam Girls Can Barely Keep Up with Quarantine Demand” by Maxine Delcourt.  

My favorite line in the article was "I can't just spend the whole month dildo-ing myself.” The demand for FREE PORN is so huge—these girls can’t keep up!  

And—on the other end of the spectrum. 

In an article from BUZZFEED titled: “The Fitness Industry Is in A Crisis. Some Trainers Say Those Trendy Instagram Live Workouts Aren't Helping” by Stephanie McNeal.  

Too many clients are asking their trainers to offer FREE services since “everyone else is.” However — FREE don’t pay the BILLS! 

Let’s keep the economy “STIMULATED” by paying your professionals what they are worth.

CCS family — Do you think people will go back to paying for services once the lockdown is over?  Or do you think they will expect some huge discounts?  Comment below.

LIFE IS BETTER WHEN YOU'RE LAUGHING DURING A PANDEMIC

LIFE IS BETTER WHEN YOU'RE LAUGHING DURING A PANDEMIC

I always find myself coping with death and disaster with an out-of-place chuckle.  

For years I felt that I must be wired wrong—but come to find out—it's OKAY TO LAUGH in unfunny situations.  

In an article form The New York Times titled: It’s OK to Find Humor in Some of This by Alex Williams. 

“Laughter, however hollow, is one of the main coping mechanisms during periods of sickness, death and anxiety.  So, don’t feel guilty” states Williams. 

 Who knew that inappropriate laughter was an anti-suicide coping mechanism? 

And there are plenty of people who are posting some great hilarious content right now. 

Leslie Jordan is my new hero as I listen to his pillow talk and other random conversations that he is sharing. This man needs an Oscar when this is all over!  

So, the next time you see that hilarious MEME that is completely inappropriate, feel free to hit the laugh emoji and share to the world. You might just brighten up the day of someone.  

Or at least you’ll laugh while pissing off the rest of the world. 

CCS family — WHAT situations are you finding yourself laughing at during these times of Quarantine Boredom? Comment below.

SOCIAL MEDIA = OPEN HEART SURGERY

SOCIAL MEDIA = OPEN HEART SURGERY

With little to no faith in our leaders in government – the amount of misinformation is circulating across the internet at an ALL TIME HIGH. 

In an article from Buzzfeed titled: The Social Media Shame Machine Is In Overdrive Right Now by Anne Helen Petersen. 

As more and more YouTube videos disinfecting groceries are starting to feel more like Open Heart Surgery – users across the globe are looking for new information on COVID-19. 

I don’t know about YOU but I’m exhausted to hear new information every day about the coronavirus and how it works – why the economy is crashing – AND – how our government is failing to get help to those who need it most. 

There’s STILL so much that we don’t know! 

For example – what is the actual number of first-known cases of COVID-19 infections? When will the wide-scale practice of social distancing end and how can users keep updated on the progress of a potential vaccine? 

Honestly – it feels like we’re fighting two pandemics: COVID-19 and Foolishness. 

Well friends! In the year 2033, we shall witness the rise of QuaranTEEN! 

Who Decides Whether A Dildo Is An 'Essential Item' Anyways?

Who Decides Whether A Dildo Is An 'Essential Item' Anyways?

An Amazon worker is mad because the company keeps shipping dildos instead of just essential items during the coronavirus pandemic / via WXYZ

Did you know that in New Hampshire – plant nurseries are considered an essential business while many states still consider golf courses open as an essential outdoor recreation activity. 

In an article from Washington Post titled: What’s ‘Essential’ Anyway? Roses, Guns, Manicures, Marijuana – It All Depends On Who’s Deciding by Karen Heller. 

We’re in Week Five of quarantine and Americans are still confused why recreational marijuana dispensaries are still open while bars and restaurants are closed. 

To put this into perspective – many decisions are left to governors in consultation with state officials as well as mayors to decide what’s considered essential. 

Not surprisingly – many of the discord between some governors and mayors is because of their opposing political views. 

As Heller puts it – Times are tense. Politics are constant. Logic is often elusive. 

Millennials – you must understand that this isn’t like natural disasters—like earthquakes, hurricanes, or wildfires striking a specific state or region. 

Never in modern history have all 50 states simultaneously declared an emergency. 

During this pandemic at the start of April – Amazon workers in Michigan walked off the job requesting that the facility be closed for selling DILDOS. 

You heard that right – DILDOS! 

What do YOU consider as an ‘Essential Item’ during these unprecedented times? Comment below.

Millennials – Social Distance & Chill!

Millennials – Social Distance & Chill! 

Hey Millennials! We FINALLY made it on the news. 

The Avocado Toast generation in large numbers last weekend refused to let the COVID-19 pandemic ruin our Spring Break. 

A high school graduate and Soundcloud rapper Brady Sluder from Milford, Ohio received national coverage from the media for his defiance to let ‘social distancing’ ruin his fiesta ignoring guidelines designed to stop the spread of the coronavirus. 

Sluder appeared in a viral video from CBS News filmed on a packed beach in Miami saying: 

If I get corona, I get corona. At the end of the day, I'm not going to let it stop me from partying. We've been waiting for Miami spring break for a while. We're just out here having a good time. Whatever happens, happens. 

Millennials may feel invisible because the coronavirus doesn’t affect the youth in large numbers like older generations – BUT – the economy could crash leading many of us living at home with our parents. 

Bad Omens vocalist Noah Sebastian perfectly tweeted a response to the youth with the following: 

You guys know how some of the hard headed boomers don’t take climate change seriously and how frustrating it is for us younger generations? That’s exactly how some of you young people still ignoring instructions about containing this virus are being right now. Wise up. 

This isn’t a simulation from WestWorld – we will come back from reality after this pandemic. It takes every generation to combat the number of coronavirus cases in our country. 

It's not like Millennials don’t have endless entertainment in the palm of our hands. 

Netflix & Quarantine. PornHub & Masturbate. Social Distance & Chill. 

Don’t forget to also use sanitary wipes on your iPhone after each use!