You Are F*ck*d Up, Clearview!

Zdravstvuyte my dear tovarischi!

Da, I read the news like everyone else, and as a KGB secret agent, I am aware that Clearview AI’s client data was stolen.

Pozor and so creepy, because right now all internet knows that you people (and particularly you…yes, especially you!) likes pizza with pineapples, consider Jar Jar Binks to be the best Star Wars’ character, and bought that ‘I am not gay but $20 is $20’ t-shirt from eBay. Eh.

No wonder why the public is outraged.

Tor Ekeland, Clearview AI's attorney, said that "Security is Clearview's top priority."

Really? I am outraged too! Now everybody knows that I hack American elections for fun I cheated to pass my “Politics of Kanye West” class in a bet for a Zhigulevskoe beer with my friend Ivan. But that’s a story for other time.

Tech giants also outraged. Google, Facebook, and even Microsoft sent Clearview AI warning letters to delete images from their platforms.

What does Clearview say?

Ekeland added that in the 21st century it’s normal to have such issues.

Normal? There are people fired for reading “Three Ways to Tell Your Boss He is Jerk” while on the clock because of your failure, Clearview!

At the same time, the news is great! In what way? Because it’s the first time nobody accuses Russia of stealing data, hacking elections, forgetting keys in car, etc.! We are not detected, ura!

That’s all, comrades! It’s my time to hack borsh again. Vsego horoshego!

THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING! THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING! THE RUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHIANS ARE COMING!

In fact, we – I mean THEY – are even closer than it may seem! At least for Americans, who believe that the sun is revolving around the Earth, which, of course as we know, is flat!

Zdravstvuyte comrades!

This is Tom the Commie, with an overview of the recent Iowa caucus debacle. Of course, everybody’s first thoughts were: “Are Russian hackers manipulating an American election?”

Big nyet!

The only conspiracy here is poll workers failing to use their app to count results correctly.

Since it’s uncomfortable to admit government officials don’t know how to use iPads, when America has problems, Russia is always scapegoat.

Such pozor, isn’t it?

The New York Times wrote an article directly saying that Russia is meddling to re-elect Trump.

There’s nothing new, just accusations towards Russia. Behind all this so-callness there is hardly any evidence.

Just check out ridiculous one:

“The intelligence community issued an assessment in early 2017 that President Vladimir V. Putin personally ordered a campaign of influence in the previous year’s election and developed ‘a clear preference for President-elect Trump.’”

Yep, Putin by his czarist will personally command Trump to become a president. Just like the same way he commanded George Bush to choke on his pretzel.

It’s said democracy is dying in darkness…Is it?

It seems like democracy dying in ignorance.

So that’s how it just goes comrades. Russia is the bad guy! A furious bear.

Dosvidanya!