The Ideal Online Commencement Ceremony Using Smekalochka
Tom The Commie - Virtual Commencement Ceremony 2020
Zdorovo, moyi horoshie!
Ok, let’s get down to vodka... I mean get down to business right away, and I am especially interested to review upcoming commencement ceremonies.
Many graduate students got upset regarding the lack of physical ceremony due to ongoing COVID-19 (I don’t about you folks, but that sound for me as a toilet cleanser) quarantine. Thousands of thousands (which equals million, but thousands of thousands sound more epic) students couldn’t attend an event to receive a college diploma and grab a microphone to tell the audience that all higher education is useless except night parties before the days of final exams. Such a shame, isn’t it? Or pozor, how we say that in Russian!
Though we have a bunch of technologies in the 21st century, we still can’t find the answer to the following question: how we should celebrate the online commencement so that it would be no less memorable than actual commencement?
We, as Russian people have a long history to approach the problem from a different, more creative angle! We call it smekalochka in Russia (which has closer meaning to words like ‘mother wit’ or ‘savvy’). So, here is my advice from the power of smekalochka:
Set up a huge Zoom meeting
Get a bunch of vodkas*
Turn on radio and camera
Turn it off and start to drink vodka! (who is listening to Zoom conferences, after all?). I barely did this, but I still got all A’s for the Spring semester!
Just admit that, guys. Vodka will make you much happier than some long, boring, and useless academic ceremony. And remember that you got only the diploma, but you DIDN’T get a job! You don’t even have an experience, so how do you think you would get an unpaid 24/7 hours 6-month long internship where you have to drive for 7 hours from 4:00 am to get there and that requires you to have a 5 years old working experience in your occupation? Capitalism is awesome, isn’t it?
*Rather than buying fakes like Borski’s Vodka purchase Stolichnaya or The Russian Standard. Help the Russian economy grow during the crisis. Come on, America, help us a little bit, and we won’t intervene in your elections again. I promise (but Vladimir not!).
