Greetings to comrades and pity to capitalists!
This is Vladimir Put… Tom the Commie, and today I am going to share my experience working in customer service.
When I turned 14, a desire to get LEGO GULAG set prompted me to start making my own money by any means (it’s LEGO, after all).
What I’ve found? After applying for the CEO of Amazon, Russia’s President, and USSR military leader to conquer America, and getting rejections with notes such as “F*ck you, little communist sh*t” I found a job of an ad poster.
I had to visit blocks of flats (we call them Khrushchyovka) and post ads on electric panels. Though I worked only one month, and Vladimir (not the one you thought about) didn’t want to pay (he eventually did after I gave him a bribe of 100 000 rubles) I got some understanding of what job is.
I’ll tell you this, guys: job sucks.
It sucks your energy and your time that you can dedicate to serious things like playing computer games, smoking weed every day, drink vodka and laughing at people that pass you by heading on the job because you inhabit the streets where you live in the free 0-star hotel called “Empty TV Box”.
That has changed my mind. I thought that job isn’t so bad as I thought before.
When I finished high school and emigrated to the US for ‘undermining purposes” for the next 6 years I have been working in more than 10 places. Here are some of them.
I used to work in Pizzeria, where, with the help of ingredients, I created portraits of Lenin and Stalin; I worked in Mexican Food Cafeteria where I became extremely fluent in Spanish by learning the word “Hola”; I used to sell Christmas Trees, got good tips, but has been let go because I started to like a song “Sweet Home Alabama”.
Now I am working as a cashier in a supermarket. Why cashier? Because I am good at counting and putting money into my pock… I mean… I am a nice worker, just believe it.
But putting jokes aside, I benefited from my clerk’s experience. I learned consumer behavior and human character and how it’s like working as a team; I strengthened my diplomatic skills and became more patient with people. And I got the idea, what people are. They are Putin’s slaves neither good and nor bad. Just creatures, obsessed with consumerism and 50%-off discounts, who can be stingily or generous with compliments depending on what temper they have today. Yet the majority of customers are nice people.
But dealing with crazy customers… is another thing.
Whatever sh*t they do and tell you must be nice with them because a customer is always right.
The customer is mad because he hates Corona Extra (I don’t give a f*ck about) and we don’t have it? He is right!
The customer didn’t want to take a survey even it doesn’t collect her data (and other stupid s*it they believe in)? She is right (and not very smart)!
The customer doesn’t have a receipt and still demands a full refund? Oh, she’s right too (with the inability to understand company policy)!
Another time there was an old lady with dozens of products I had to scan. Behind her was a millennial (they are the best customers because they understand!) with single beer wasting his time in the line. I told this kid to approach other registers to ring him up (I do that a lot, and it's fine). That was fast (took probably 30 seconds while the lady was busy putting her discount number on a pin pad). And you what? She got mad! I said I just wanted to help him because she was busy anyway. She didn’t listen and I asked her whether she wants to complain, and she replied with a loud ‘yes’ to my face!
“I wanna complain. What’s your name?”
“Jesus. Jesus Christ.”
“Ok, and you will have problems, you Jesus Christ!”
“Are you going to make complain about Jesus Christ? Are you sure? I’ll tell this to Vladimir, and you will regret it!”
“Wait… who’s Vladimir? He’s god?”
“Oh yes! He is a god! God for Russia and Devil for America! Bow down to the Majesty of Russian Supreme Leader, confess your sins and maybe he will forgive you!”
“Oh please, please don’t wipe me out Holy Vladimir, I will never be impolite to Jesus Christ cashier again! That’s good for now?”
“Not as much. Say “America is bad”.”
“America is bad.”
“I can’t hear you!”
“America is bad!”
“Louder!”
“AMERICA IS BAD!”
“How bad is it? Is it dirty?”
“It’s dirty as my husband’s trousers! Am I forgiven?”
“Hmmm… well, ok! You are forgiven. You can pay now. To Vladimir, I mean!”
This is how I wanted it to happen! So, I just called my manager to explain the situation and that was it. She left believing she’s right – just like other customers like her.
But why?
Customer Is Always Right Even Being Total Jerk!
